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IS THERE A POSITIVE SIDE OF REGRET?

Regret gets a bad rap. We are admonished to avoid this feeling at all costs. However, as with most all-or-nothing thinking, labeling regret as completely negative is an extreme generalization.

When we take a closer look, regret is simply a personal reaction (with both cognitive and emotional elements) to the consequence of a past act or behavior. But is regret actually negative? When we consider that regret occurs as a result of a negative consequence, is it possible that we assign a negative value to the experience of regret due to the negative cause of it?

DOES REGRET HAVE A PURPOSE?

Regret in and of itself is not bad – it’s the way we handle it that presents a potential problem. Regret may have the purpose of alerting us to situations that are inconsistent with what we know is in the best interest for well-being, and then compelling us to make corrections for the sake of future well-being. Without it, we would never have a reason to contemplate any of our past actions and behaviors.

Visualize a buoy in the water. Its design causes it to always be right side up. Even if you push it under water or turn it upside-down, it quickly pops back up and it rights itself. It is possible that regret is an internal “righting” mechanism. It diverts our attention long enough for us to identify, understand, and correct problems so that we don’t repeat them in the future. Therefore, when we make mistakes, regret is there to help us to make adjustments and “right” ourselves so that we can properly manage future situations.

Our brains are designed to interpret and make sense of the world in which we live, with the overarching goal of protecting us from danger and demise. Therefore, it is continuously scanning and interpreting so that we can create a sense of order in the form of expectations (based on what we’ve learned through previous experience), which helps us to avoid potentially harmful situations.

Experience-based learning occurs through our experiences with cause and effect. We learn that certain decisions and behaviors lead to specific consequences. Regret, therefore, is a mechanism that compels us to stop and deeply consider something that has caused disruption to our well-being. The cognitive component helps us to connect the dots between cause and effect, and the emotional component (i.e., remorse, guilt, etc.) ensures that we never forget the lesson.

Regret triggers mental inspection. It channels our attention so that we can make important connections toward our understanding of how one thing (i.e., a decision or behavior) leads to another (consequence). Once we recognize that a decision/action has caused a negative consequence, we naturally experience the feeling of regret, wishing we had made a different choice. This is what helps us to gain insight and make better decisions in the future. However, when we become stuck in the mindset of wishing we could change the past – that is when we become mired in the negative emotional components, such as extreme remorse and guilt, which can ultimately lead to depression.

CAN REGRET BE USED AS A TOOL?

Regret, when managed properly, is a mechanism for growth. For growth, it is actually healthy to look back on situations to examine our mistakes, and even to feel a degree of remorse or regret because it can often lead to changes. However, when looking back, it is important to know the difference between a glance and a stare.

We should understand that when looking at the past, more is not better. A glance allows us to examine a situation just long enough to see the mistake, connect the dots, extract a lesson, and then quickly move on, However, staring at the past is often counterproductive. If we are simply staring at the past with no purpose in mind – simply wallowing in it without a plan to move past it – it becomes emotionally detrimental.

Rumination, constantly going over the details of a past occurrence, often leads to a state of entrapment. Although there is a constant examination of the past occurrence, there is no actual productive end in mind. Instead, we continue to focus on the mistake itself (instead of the lesson) until it becomes larger than life. As a result, we feel completely overwhelmed as if eclipsed in the shadow of it.

It is unfortunate when we become stuck in the negative emotional components of regret (i.e., guilt, remorse, anger/lack of forgiveness toward self), because we minimize the benefits of the cognitive component (lesson learned), which makes it extremely hard to move on. With so much focus on the past, we begin to lose precious moments of the present. And when we can’t properly focus on the present, it also jeopardizes the future.

If we can recognize that regret is a normal emotion that we all feel to some degree, and that regret can serve a positive purpose, then perhaps we can see it more as a tool – something that triggers us to actually SEARCH for the lessons provided by negative consequences. If we can become adept at finding the lesson, then we can recognize when regret has outlived its usefulness, and instead file away the lesson versus the regret itself.

REGRET HELPS US TO EVOLVE

When we feel regret, it is a sign that we wish we could have done something differently. It means we recognize and desire better experiences for ourselves. Without regret, we may not recognize when we could have made better choices, which would make it difficult for us to grow from our experiences.

From an existential standpoint, regret is an important mechanism that ensures that we process the meaning of our experiences. It protects our well-being by guiding us toward less disruption in our future experiences, which in turn maximizes our existence.

On the most basic level, we seek to maximize positive experiences while minimizing the negative ones (recognized by our minds as threats). Our minds are designed to learn from the negative experiences so that we don’t repeat mistakes that threaten our existence. In this sense, we are naturally wired for evolution and growth.

Therefore, regret is not positive or negative. Regret is simply a human reaction that coerces us toward improvement. It is a sign that we possess an inherent desire to positively evolve . . . which is something we share with all other humans.

“We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.
But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles,
and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.”
~Steve Maraboli~

Do you try to avoid regret? Is is actually possible to avoid it? Do you believe regret can be used positively?

LIFE: The Fine Print

Whether we realize it or not, during every waking moment, our lives are being created through our moment to moment experiences. We either create our lives through intentional activity and conscious experience, or we float along with low levels of awareness as passive recipients of happenstance.

I often use the metaphor, “sleepwalking through life.” Scientifically, sleepwalking refers to the performance of normal activities while barely awake in a state of low consciousness. Sleepwalking through life, therefore, refers to the state of unconsciousness living – unconscious consumption of environmental stimuli, underdeveloped awareness of our environments, and overall disconnection from a sense of purpose.

We create all of our goals and decisions within the present. Therefore, our future strivings and outcomes are based on the experiences and directions of the present. It is sort of like the butterfly effect; each flap of our wings sets other phenomena into motion which largely affects all future outcomes. This means that goals and decisions require present-mindedness because it is the only place where decisions can take place – we can’t go back to the past, and the future, without a doubt, is dependent upon the present.

Though it is impossible to fully control what we experience, being present and aware allows us to be active participants – aware of our options, able to make decisions, and consciously engaged in the sensations and experiences of our activities. In a nutshell, present-minded awareness allows us to experience our experiences. Furthermore, it allows us to experience life rather than be subjected to it.

Most people find comfort in the idea of having a sense of control over the direction of their lives. Intuitively, we understand that we cannot truly control every aspect of our lives. However, conscious living allows us to be more aware of our selves, purpose, and environments and, therefore, more able to embrace and respond effectively to our evolving experiences. Otherwise, how can we make appropriate adjustments toward our goals if we are not even aware of changes in the environment, or that our attention is being diverted from our purpose?

“When we are present in each moment,
the past gently rolls up behind us
and the future slowly unravels before us.”
~Rev. Richard Levy~

Since we are essentially creating our histories, as well as our paths to the future, it stands to reason that the way we experience the present directly determines our happiness and success outcomes. So if we think of life, not as game, but as a path being laid with both minor and major destinations (goals), it may be helpful to remember that success rarely occurs by accident . . . to create the life that we desire, it requires awareness and intention, which means that we actually have to be present and engaged.

Winning in life does not refer to an ultimate prize or defeating others. It simply means that we are able to remain focused and aware toward the end of accomplishing our goals, unshaken by the inevitable twists and turns of life. To be thrown off track (or to not even have a track) due to lack of awareness and intention, is not necessarily a loss (I don’t see anyone as a loser), but it definitely makes it hard to succeed.

Of course, there is no hard and fast rulebook for life. However, if one existed, I believe it would be approximately the size of a small pamphlet. Because, as much as we try to complicate life with deeply elaborate thinking, I actually believe the most important universal rules are very simple: take care of ourselves, be kind to others, what goes around comes around, have respect for the environment . . . and probably a few more. And then in fine print there will be one simple line with an asterisk that says:

*To build the life you desire, you must be PRESENT to win.

Where would you rate your level of awareness on a scale of “sleepwalker” versus “fully present?” How do you think your level of awareness affects your ability to accomplish life goals?

UN-LIMIT YOURSELF

“If we all did the things we are capable of doing,
we would literally astound ourselves.”
~Thomas Alva Edison~

It is true that most of us can accomplish much more than we think we can. Unfortunately, very few of us test the limits of our capabilities due to unsubstantiated restrictive beliefs. The truth is that there is no grand rule book with published lists of what each of us can or cannot accomplish. Therefore, any limits we perceive are self-created.

For illustration, I would like to present 3 examples that can help you to visualize the concept of mental restriction.

The Chained Elephant

For some, self-limitation is the legacy of a restricted upbringing. In other words, limitations were instilled within them as children and have now become an ingrained way of thinking. It is like the parable of the chained elephant.

As the story goes, an elephant can be conditioned to accept restraint from a very early age. The key is to initiate limits when he is very young by placing a chain around his leg, which is then attached to a stake. As he struggles to free himself, he quickly realizes that he does not have the strength to overcome the chain. Once the elephant becomes an adult, even if the chain is removed and replaced by a mere rope, the elephant will not attempt to escape because it assumes it cannot break free. It is obvious that the elephant could, at anytime, uproot the stake or break away from the rope but it never occurs to the elephant to re-test its adult strength.

Like the captive elephant, humans can become bound by blindly adopted thoughts and beliefs passed on by others, as well as limitations that no longer apply.

Trapped Inside of “The Box”

Another way we limit ourselves is by thinking within limited parameters. We often approach problem-solving using the same thinking that has been “boxed” and labeled as “the way of doing things.” The problem is that we become limited to the ideas that are provided within the box.

Albert Einstein was one of the most innovative thinkers of all time. What made him unique was his unwillingness to be confined by outdated modes of thinking. While his contemporaries continued to use the old Newtonian theory (which confined their perspectives) to answer modern questions, Einstein’s ability to think outside of accepted parameters allowed him to expand his perspective, ultimately leading to a giant leap toward the theory of relativity.

We’ve all heard the saying, “think outside of the box.” When it comes to designing our lives, the box represents a limited perspective. Un-limiting ourselves frees us from the box of conventional thinking. It engages our creativity and ingenuity which allows us to customize unique solutions for our unique problems. Always remember: doing things the way they’ve always been done limits us to the same outcomes that have always occurred.

As Free As a Bird

Now, I would like you to shift your thinking from confinement and limitation. Instead, visualize a bird flying in the sky. Focus on its freedom of movement. Now, draw a mental circle around it, placing the bird in the very center. Next, mark a point on the circle. Now mark another point. Then, another . . . and another. Pretty soon, you will realize that there are infinite points on the circumference of the circle. The circle represents the 360 degrees of options for the direction in which the bird could fly. Even if the bird does not recognize this breadth of possibilities, it doesn’t negate the fact that these possibilities exist.

If you are able to visualize your life in this way, then you will realize that your options are literally limitless, even if you cannot see all the possibilities. Our lives are so dynamic – continuously unfolding – that there really is no reason to believe that you don’t have any options for the way you live your life – or that you only have 2 options . . . or 3.

There is a paradox in the fact that we can accomplish more than we think we can; it is unfortunate, yet fortunate. It is unfortunate because we often limit our own potential (and miss opportunities) due to the beliefs we adopt. However, fortune lies within the possibility of overcoming the limits in our thinking and achieving much more than we ever thought we could. Un-limiting ourselves is about freeing our minds from the unsubstantiated, self-imposed limitations that keep us from venturing beyond what we know (sometimes known as comfort zones) and recognizing that many possibilities exist beyond the ones we can see.

The key thing to understand is that nothing is written in stone regarding the options we have for our lives. Un-limiting ourselves simply means accepting that we CAN do something more or different, which primes our thinking for the next step of HOW.

Which do you recognize in your own thinking – an elephant, box, or bird? How often do you search “outside the box” for life-design solutions?

FIND (AND LISTEN TO) YOUR OWN VOICE

“When you lose touch with your inner stillness,
you lose touch with yourself.
When you lose touch with yourself,
you lose yourself in the world”
~Eckhart Tolle~

Many of us reach a point where we realize that our lives have gone off track. It’s as if we wake up one day and suddenly realize that we’ve simply been swept along by the tides of life in uncharted directions. Why does this happen?

Well, the truth is that life entails momentum, and it is easy to become caught up in it. Once we realize that we’ve become lost in that momentum, we often begin to seek ways to return to ourselves. Thus, it is not uncommon to understand the concepts of “losing ourselves” and “finding ourselves.”

Finding or returning to ourselves is the process of examining and coming to understand who we are. This type of exploration helps us to acknowledge our authentic values, desires, motivations, strengths, and weaknesses so that we may assert ourselves in healthy ways, and design our lives around authentically fulfilling endeavors. Often, people who suddenly change careers are doing just that. A wonderful example of this is seen the following video short, which interviews a man who left a career in medicine to start a bakery – clearly a decision to follow his passion.

Finding ourselves is not always an easy task because the momentum of life can be likened to background noise, which makes it hard for us to hear our own voices. At times, the noise can become so loud that our own voices are drowned out altogether.

In the design of our lives, we often face pressures from the expectations of others, which can become the loudest noise of all. There is nothing wrong with being offered advice and guidance, or working with others in the spirit of cooperation. However, it is important not to allow the expectations of others to overshadow your sense of self.

Therefore, I think the first step toward finding ourselves is to listen for our own voice. In many ways, we have to stop caring about what other people think of us, and allow our own voices to take center stage. This becomes especially important when we embark on an endeavor to make radical changes in our lives.

There may be others who are close to us who are not ready to accept the changes we wish to make simply because it challenges the identity they have created for us, creates insecurity about the role they play in our lives, and can also challenge them to take a hard look at their own lives (which often conjures fears and insecurities).

When we face opposition, we have to allow our own voice to maintain a position of prominence. In fact, we should embrace the responsibility of being an advocate for our own needs. Moreover, we should not feel guilt for expressing our true selves. The truth is that each of us is responsible for our own distress. If expressing our desire to evolve in a self-directed manner creates distress for others, it is not our responsibility to shrink ourselves to fit the comfort levels of others.

Within our own voice is often the key to our own flourishing. Flourishing, a key concept in the field of positive psychology, is associated with living a meaningful and fulfilled life by developing our potential, and using that potential to pursue goals that fulfill the needs of our individual natures.

Obviously, your nature is uniquely our own, and it follows that the needs of your nature cannot be defined by anyone but YOU. If our voices could be likened to an internal GPS, ignoring our own voice is roughly equivalent to ignoring the internal guidance system, and instead preferring to accept direction from others who have no idea of where we wish to go.

Finding our own voice is an integral part of finding and understanding ourselves because it brings our motivations to the surface. Personal change is rooted in the ability to understand those motivations. Change occurs when our personal motivations become strong enough to give impetus to a changed behavior or course. Therefore, if we cannot hear ourselves – or worse, refuse to listen – change is virtually impossible.

The lesson here is to become more mindfully aware of who we are and to find the courage to express the inner selves that we “discover.” Our inner voice is always there, whether we can hear it or not. Our task is to block out the background noise, and bring our minds to the center of ourselves so that we can more effectively hear it.

THE VOICE

There is a voice inside of you
That whispers all day long,
“I feel this is right for me,
I know that this is wrong.”
No teacher, preacher, parent, friend
Or wise man can decide
What’s right for you–just listen to
The voice that speaks inside.

~Shel Silverstein~

Are you in touch with your inner voice? What is it telling you? Do you find it hard to express your needs and desires to others?

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“HOW TO BE ALONE”

“Loneliness is usually a sign that I am not in touch with myself.” ~Unknown~

Simply put, solitude is aloneness. There is no value inherent within it; it takes on the quality that we assign to it. We can either embrace it as a time to be in touch with ourselves, or we can suffer through it by magnifying lonely feelings of separation. We can remain peacefully settled, or become unsettled and driven to remedy it. We can immerse ourselves in productivity – or life can stop. It’s really up to us.

“How to Be Alone,” a spoken word poem by Tanya Davis, presents a case for embracing solitude. It pairs singularity with activity by illustrating that life should not stop due to the state of aloneness. Within the many scenarios she presents, the underlying message is to continue living (versus biding time), and to treat ourselves well.

One of my favorite lines in the poem is, “Cuz if you’re happy in your head, then solitude is blessed and alone is okay.” I believe she is right.

Watch and enjoy – and evaluate your mindset for what it means to be alone.

How do you normally manage aloneness? Do you embrace it, or dread it? Were there any lines in the poem that resonated with you? Feel free to share your thoughts below.

For more inspirational videos, navigate to Video Bites

*Image: Pampalini

BECOME THE SELF YOU WOULD LOVE TO SEE IN PHOTOS

“What you are is what you have been.
What you’ll be is what you do now.”
~Buddha~

I recently spent some time with an old friend. Since we hadn’t seen each other in many years, we spent some quality time catching up with each other’s lives. We shared personal stories, which naturally prompted us to share photos. However, as we were pouring through some of her family photos, I couldn’t help but notice that she was in very few of them, and of the few she was in, she looked sort of . . . well, miserable.

She seemed to purposely position herself behind others, off to the side, or simply was absent. As we looked at the photos, I would naturally ask about the circumstances surrounding the photos, questioning who was in the photos, where they were, etc. As she described the photos, she tended to refer to herself in light of whatever negative thing was going on in her life at the time. She would say things like:

“That was the summer when I broke up with George.”
“Oh, that was when I put on 20 pounds – I looked like a cow.”
“I didn’t want to do my hair that day, so that’s why I was wearing a hat.”
“I left the picnic early because my sister pissed me off.”

I could go on, but I’m sure you get the point. I heard more about her negatively associated memories than I did commentary on the activities themselves!

This prompted me to think about the way we chronicle our lives. My friend’s life was chronicled by negative events – and her photos were there as permanent reminders. Then I thought about my own photo albums. What do I see when I view my pictorial past? What memories stand out the most? Am I the self I would like to see reflected in photos?

Something I often discuss in my writings is that we – ourselves – color the canvas of our lives. The canvas can become colorful, stark, or gloomy; it really depends on the content we supply.

My friend’s memories tend to be slanted toward negative experiences. It was as if she was merely “inserted” into the celebratory backdrops of the photos, but not really a part of them. Now when she looks at those images, instead of remembering the reasons for gathering and celebration, she recalls whatever negative experience she was going through at the time – and there seemed to be a lot of them.

Here is something important to consider: If today were our last day on earth, our lives would be defined in retrospect from our recollections of the time we’ve spent here – equivalent to an ultimate photo album. So the question is, are we reflecting the self we would like to reflect upon?

Becoming the self we would love to see in photos is not about vanity. It’s about being able to reflect inner satisfaction and joy. One way to do this is by increasing our levels of happiness so that no matter when a photo is taken, we will be photo ready. I’m not suggesting that we diminish our existential concerns to simply being ready for pictures – I am suggesting that we find ways to have more happy days so that we can increase the probability of a random snapshot capturing an authentically positive day in our lives.

In light of my friend’s story, consider the following suggestions:

Don’t extend the past into the future

Why? Aside from the fact that we can’t change the past, continuing to ruminate over a negative experience actually extends the pain of that experience. Before you know it, we’ve lost an entire year of happiness due to undue focus on a past event.

In reference to my friend’s experience, the ending of a romantic relationship does not have to evolve into a permanent sticking point. Therefore, instead of continuing to focusing on pain or failure, learn to extract a life lesson – and then let it go.

Don’t allow small things to disrupt a positive flow

Or as Richard Carlson said, don’t sweat the small stuff. When minor disturbances occur, keep them in perspective and don’t allow them to cast a shadow over the bigger picture.

Celebrate and chronicle milestones

Studies of depression have revealed that people with a depressed or pessimistic outlook tend to diminish their successes and magnify failures and inadequacies. Therefore, I believe it is crucial to assign importance to our “special days” and achievements.

Just like the mile markers we see on the highway, personal milestones serve as important markers in our lives. These markers can measure advancement, goal attainment, personal achievements, or important events. Whether it be a milestone birthday or attainment of a diploma, acknowledging milestones adds a layer of positivity in our lives by magnifying those positive events.

If we allow these events to pass without acknowledgement, our recollections can become skewed in a direction that gives too much weight to negative events. Celebration increases the positive emotions associated with these events, which serves as a way to burn these events into our memories.

Become more mindfully aware

When we replace mindlessness with mindfulness, we become more aware and appreciative of both the things we do and of the world around us. To truly enjoy a meal may sound like a small suggestion. But when you consider the number of meals we mindlessly eat on the go, it is easy to see the number of forgone opportunities for us to take a break from everyday stress to actually enjoy the moments of taste and nourishment.

Mindfulness narrows our focus to the moment we are presently experiencing. Using the example of my friend, mindful awareness would have opened her senses to enjoy not only the time spent with her family, but all the things surrounding those events: nature, fresh air, good food, connection, relaxation, etc.

Take better care of yourself

In addition to the items above, I think it is most important that we acknowledge the imperative for self-care. When we feel bad (depressed), we can often neglect the extra effort it takes to fully care for ourselves. The same is true when we live stressful and busy lives – when we place more importance on the business of living, self-nurturing is often placed at the bottom of our lists. In both cases, we should remain committed to personal grooming, healthy diet practices, exercise, rest/relaxation, and general self-nurturing.

Final thoughts

All we ever have is the present moment, which is great because the present is where all of our changes occur. We can begin living now in a way that not only improves our future, but in the present we can improve what is destined to become the recollections – snapshots – of our future past.

What do you see in the retrospective view of your life? If you were to take a snapshot right now, what would you reflect?

50 WAYS TO START CULTIVATING HAPPINESS TODAY

“Happiness is an inside job.”
~William Arthur Ward~

The most common questions I hear from readers revolve around finding happiness. As many of you know, I believe happiness is self-generated. Whenever we are experiencing unhappiness, it is usually due to situations we have either created, invited, or failed to act upon.

Regardless of the specific causes of unhappiness, many people eventually reach the realization that if they want their situations to change, then THEY are the ones who must work to change it.

In my article, The First Step Toward Personal Change (featured on The Change Blog), I discussed the importance of envisioning a blank slate. A mental blank slate represents the “letting-go” of old patterns. It allows us to intentionally redesign our lives, unencumbered by mental clutter from the past.

So, if step one is to start with a blank slate, then the next logical question is . . . then what?

I believe the next task is start cultivating happiness. We can accomplish this by adding the carefully reinvented layers of our lives to the slate. Though we may all have areas that we need to focus on more, I have provided a list of 50 ways to begin the process.

This list is not meant to be exhaustive, but once you start the process, I am sure you will naturally add the items that are most relevant for you. There really isn’t a specific order to follow, but I think the most logical place to start is with a rediscovery of self.

SELF

    1. Learn about yourself through introspection.
    2. Define your core values and beliefs.
    3. Define your own purpose and direction.
    4. Love, value, and forgive yourself.
    5. Prioritize self-care (get enough sleep, healthy diet, relaxation, etc.).
    6. Live authentically.
RELATIONSHIPS

    7. Cultivate positive, supportive, and reciprocating relationships.
    8. Create healthy boundaries.
    9. Teach others how to treat you by loving and respecting yourself.
    10. Know the difference between dependence, independence, and interdependence.
    11. Seek relationships that cause your world to expand (your world should not feel smaller).
    12. Spend more time with inspiring people (and less time with negative people).
    13. Be inspiring to others.
    14. Don’t internalize or spread contagious negativity.
    15. Learn to ask for help, when needed.
ENVIRONMENT

    16. Simplify/organize your surroundings (get rid of excess).
    17. Design/create a personal sanctuary.
    18. Furnish your environment with inspiring materials (books, art, music, etc.)
    19. Enjoy a pet.
EXPERIENCES

    20. Be willing to learn and experience new things.
    21. Develop your creative skills and talents.
    22. Prioritize and schedule self-nurturing activities (pampering, self-care).
    23. Volunteer for a social cause.
    24. Seek peak experiences.
    25. Don’t wait for someday (start enjoying life today).
EMOTIONS

    26. Resist pessimistic thinking.
    27. Keep things in perspective.
    28. Accept that you can only control yourself and your own reactions.
    29. Don’t sweat the small stuff and choose your battles.
    30. Focus on the present (let go of the past, don’t worry about the future).
    31. Smile more.
    32. Increase your opportunities to share humor.
    33. Don’t allow negative moments to snowball (learn to bounce back quicker)
STRIVINGS

    34. Seek improvement over perfection.
    35. Challenge your self-limiting beliefs (you can achieve more than you think)
    36. Pursue meaningful goals.
    37. Find what you love to do and make it your life’s work.
    38. Redefine your beliefs about success (don’t confuse material acquisitions with success).
    39. Appreciate/celebrate your accomplishments and personal milestones.
    40. Give yourself permission to change your mind or direction when something isn’t working.
    41. Remember to enjoy the journey as much as the ultimate destination.
CENTEREDNESS

    42. Know that peace, love, and happiness are all generated from within.
    43. Learn to channel your awareness and attention (where your attention goes, energy flows).
    44. Learn to re-center and replenish using relaxation or meditation techniques.
    45. Recognize discomfort and boredom as a cues for change (versus distress)
    46. Seek fluidity over rigidity (become less resistant to change).
    47. Seek moments of solitude.
    48. When things change, embrace the new normal.
    49. Be thankful for what you have now, and live within your means.
    50. Practice gratitude.

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“CHANGE FOR A DOLLAR”

In my article, Developing a Mindset for Social Good (featured on Feelgooder.com), I discussed the concepts and beliefs that are common within the mindsets of people geared toward social good. In particular, people who have the mindset for social change are not deterred by limitations, and they embrace the belief that small actions do matter.

“Change For a Dollar,” a short film written and directed by Sharon Wright, depicts these themes. The film chronicles the day of a (presumably) homeless man as he affects the lives of several people, literally creating change (in other people’s lives) . . . for little more than a dollar. This sends a powerful message that it doesn’t take much to become a catalyst for change in someone’s life. As you watch, consider your feelings/beliefs about any personal experiences you’ve had with the themes reflected in this film.

Have you ever forgone an opportunity to help or contribute due to a feeling that your assistance would be too small to matter? Was there a particular storyline in the film that you’ve witnessed personally?

For more inspirational videos, navigate to Video Bites

*Image: Ryan Mackay

I OBJECT! (Building a Case Against “I Can’t”)

“If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable,
you disconnect yourself from what you truly want,
and all that is left is a compromise.”
~Robert Fritz~

I can’t think of anything more self-limiting than the words, “I can’t.” When we utter these words, it means we’ve surrendered to a limitation, and our world of experiences immediately becomes smaller. And to make matters worse, the limitation placed upon us is self-imposed.

The truth is that “can’t” usually means “won’t.” Why? Because regardless of the obstacles, people will pave a way for the things they truly want to do. So, when a person says, “I can’t,” what they are really saying is that they don’t wish to put forth the effort and, therefore, won’t.

Limiting ourselves in this way is detrimental to our psyches. We begin to internalize this response, and pretty soon our minds become habituated to it and will accept these limitations as an expected way to deal with future opportunities and problems. In other words, we set ourselves up for lives of compromise and underachievement.

Therefore, I am presenting a case against using the words, “I can’t,” and I would like to present the following concepts as “evidence” in support of my case:

EXHIBIT 1: Logic

When we use the word, “can’t,” we present ourselves with the challenge of proving that a 100% impossibility exists.

The word “can’t” only applies to complete impossibilities – such as a paralyzed person not being able to walk. But even in that case, alternatives may exist. However, if ANY possibility exists, then logically, we can’t use the word, “can’t.”

When we apply this logic, it will become apparent that many more things CAN be done than we think. In fact, most things can be done, given the right conditions.

EXHIBIT 2: Metaphysics

“Thanks to impermanence, everything is possible.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh~

In “The Key to Emotional Health”, I discussed the concept of impermanence. Impermanence refers to the transient nature of the world – nothing is fixed or permanent. By the very nature of impermanence, our circumstances are always changing. This means that we live in a world of ever-unfolding potential, and therefore possibilities always exist.

Just because the right conditions don’t exist at the moment, it does not mean that the proper conditions will never exist. Additionally, within us is the ability to work and create the proper conditions. Therefore, we can acknowledge that potential always exists, and instead of “I can’t,” we can tell ourselves, “I can, but not at this moment.”

EXHIBIT 3: Neuroscience

Neuroplasticity refers to the brain’s ability to change structurally and functionally as a result of input from the environment. This means our brains are reactive to the ways we channel our attention. For example, If we regularly channel our attention to reading, math, or playing piano, the neural areas of the brain associated with those activities become more developed and accessible, and we are more able to develop an expertise.

The same holds true for the type of thinking we do. If we are positive thinkers, then our brains become “wired” for positive thoughts and solutions. However, if we focus on negativity and limitations, then we tend to always think in negative and limiting ways.

The human brain is designed for problem-solving, which is defined as the effort to overcome obstacles obstructing the path to a solution. And as you can probably guess, the more we solve problems, the more adept we become at solving future problems. Additionally, when we search for new ways around a problem, we often tap into our ability to think creatively.

The moment we say, “I can’t,” we close the door on our thinking. Essentially, we give ourselves permission to cop-out on a challenge. But the truth is that all possibilities exist within our thinking. In this context, “can’t” exists due to two common things: an unwillingness to search for a solution, and because we’ve trained the mind to limit itself.

EXHIBIT 4: Positive Psychology

A primary focus of Positive Psychology is to find and nurture our strengths and talents, and discover ways to make normal life more fulfilling. According to positive psychologists, our ability to experience happiness is directly linked to our ability to be optimistic. Optimism is the tendency to take a hopeful view about the future, or to have confidence in the successful outcome of an endeavor.

Learned helplessness, on the other hand, occurs when one believes that they have no control over what occurs, and that something external from themselves dictates their ability to succeed or accomplish a task.

Self-limiting thoughts are counterproductive to cultivating optimism. When we say, “I can’t,” we are accepting the idea that we don’t have control over our ability to accomplish something – which is not very optimistic. “I can’t” perpetuates an inner dialogue that short-circuits our goal-directed thinking because we start to believe that we don’t have the capacity (helplessness) to find a route to our desired goals.

A PROPOSED SOLUTION: Learn to overcome personal objections

“Refuse to accept the many reasons why it can’t be done and ask if there are any reasons it can be done.” ~Hanoch McCarty~

Whenever we have a feeling that we can’t do something, we should pause before we actually say it. We should think about the circumstances that would make the endeavor possible, and then be honest about whether we WANT to put forth the effort to do it. It’s really a matter of overcoming our own objections. Instead of filing our hesitation under the category of “I can’t,” we should uncover the true issue.

For instance, if we wish to travel the world, it’s not really rocket science. We simply must create the proper conditions. World travel requires money, travel documents, and time. Whether we are willing to create these conditions is really a matter of “will” or “won’t,” not “can’t.” We will accumulate the money, apply for the appropriate travel documents, and schedule a time to go – or we won’t.

To uncover the real reasons behind our objections, we can challenge our limiting thoughts through dialogue. An internal dialogue will sound something like this (simplified version):

“I wish I could travel around the world, but I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t have a passport.”
“What does it take to get a passport?”
“I’m not sure – I guess I could google it.”
“Hmm . . . it seems relatively easy. But I don’t really have the money to travel.”
“Can I get the money?”
“Yes, I could save for a year. But, that means I’ll have to make some sacrifices.”
“Am I willing to sacrifice my current spending to save for a trip?”
Yes/No

Even if the answer ends up being “no” in the end, at least we will have explored the possibilities that exist. This allows us to see that we actually CAN accomplish this goal if we’re willing to put forth the effort to create the proper conditions.

This type of dialogue can reveal a lot about who we really are. Maybe we will learn something new about our authentic selves, and it is possible to uncover a few hidden fears.

CONCLUSION: Become empowered with “I CAN”

“Can’t” implies a limitation that has been imposed upon us – which is disempowering. Therefore, by eliminating the word “can’t,” we are actually embracing the power to DECIDE what we truly wish to do. Whether we “will” or “won’t” means that we’ve made an empowered choice, versus reacting to an imposed prohibition.

Henry Ford was right: Whether you think you can or think you can’t – you are right. When we tell ourselves “I can’t,” it ensures that we will not even attempt – which guarantees the utterance of “I can’t” to become a self-fulfilled prophecy.

Therefore, we should eliminate the limited thinking of “I can’t” so that we can get out of our own way. Once we remove our largest obstacle, we open ourselves to the freedom of unlimited experiences and infinite possibilities.

And now . . . I rest my case.

How often do you find yourself saying, “I can’t?” What do you think your life would be like if you eliminated self-limiting thinking?”

STOP!!

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With much appreciation,
Angela