Tag Archives: affirmations

WHEN I SAY NO, I ACTUALLY MEAN YES

The more I learn about the human mind, the more fascinated I become – and the more I come to understand the connection between thoughts and feelings, the more I tinker with my own thinking. I guess you could say that I am my own test subject.

Albert Ellis, a pioneer of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), and creator of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (a form of CBT) coauthored the groundbreaking classic, A Guide to Rational Living. In this book, he explains that the key to living healthier happier lives lies within our thinking. He asserts, “Human feeling largely stems from thinking,” and ” . . . when people change their beliefs or philosophy about something, their emotions and their behaviors also significantly change.” Numerous research studies have supported this theory.

Thoughts —> Feelings —> Outlook

Thoughts have the power to color our reality. In general, negative thoughts give rise to negative feelings, and positive thoughts beget positive feelings. Thoughts conjure feelings and, in turn, those feelings, positive or negative, can affect our frame of mind. In thinking more about this, I considered the everyday activity of decision-making, and that we regularly face situations where we are required to make a decision, state a preference, or express agreement/disagreement.

Two of the most powerful words in the English language are YES and NO. They can either create barriers or open doors, and many times these words can evoke positive or negative emotions within us. Regardless of the question being asked, YES feels positive (because it affirms), and NO feels negative (because it negates). Even if we are very comfortable saying NO, it still can create a sense of interruption in the flow of positivity – internally, as well as between ourselves and others.

When our minds sense something negative, internal negative feelings can manifest in a change in body language and conversation, and for those who are not comfortable asserting themselves, having to say NO can actually create a sense of anxiety. Perhaps they feel bad about disappointing others, or fear that they may come across as disagreeable. For this situation, I think it would be helpful to consider reframing their understanding of what it actually means to say NO.

Authenticity

Authenticity is a philosophical term which refers to the ability to be true to oneself. It means being true to our desires, beliefs, values, and standards, without wavering in the face of external pressure. It means:

  • Committing to our goals
  • Asserting our needs
  • Acting on our convictions
  • Keeping the promises we’ve made to ourselves
With this understanding, consider this: Any time we face a decision, it is a test of our authenticity.

Always Affirming

Q: When does NO mean YES?
A: Always

In my previous posts, Changing the Frame and The Secret to Happiness, I explained the concept of reframing – the process of placing a situation in a more positive frame. In light of reframing, I think it becomes easier to say NO once we realize that we are in essence saying YES.

Each time we say NO, we are saying YES to something very important – to our convictions, needs, values, and standards. Saying NO is about acknowledging our core truths and always saying YES to them. The word YES is affirming, which generates positive feelings. Therefore, reframing our decisions to where we are always thinking YES grounds us in a frame of always affirming, which is something for which we can feel positive.

How does this work in real life?

  • Each time we say NO to negative relationships, we are saying YES to our desire for positivity and peace.
  • Each time a student says NO to going out drinking with friends, choosing to study instead, they are saying YES to an activity that supports their academic goals.
  • Each time a young adult says NO to a career suggestion for which they have no interest, they are acknowledging and saying YES to their own interests and need for fulfillment.
  • Each time we say NO to unhealthy food choices, we are saying YES to a commitment to care for ourselves.
It is my belief that focusing on the underlying AFFIRMATIONS that exist in the word NO can help us to feel more positive about the decisions we make.

Don Your Cape

As I mentioned above, the words YES and NO wield a lot of power. This power, if used properly, transforms us into protectors of our own truths. Reframing our thinking to where we are always saying YES, even when we say NO, is simply another way for our inner superheroes to use their powers for good.

“This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”
~Shakespeare, Hamlet Act 1, scene 3, 82–84~

Image: Andy Welsh

Do you have a hard time saying NO? Do you normally consider your core values and beliefs when making decisions?

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THE SECRET TO HAPPINESS

Happiness seems to be one of those things that eludes many. When asked what it means, many of us have a difficult time finding words to adequately define it. Perhaps the reason for this is that happiness is not a single feeling; I think it is more of an overall outlook on life.

In the book, The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living, Howard C. Cutler, M.D., psychiatrist and co-author, states, ” . . . happiness is determined more by one’s state of mind than by external events.” This means that happiness comes from within, not from circumstances, nor is it something found like a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. It is something that we can meditate upon and decide to accept.

I think the most important thing to consider, and probably a prerequisite to experiencing happiness, is that we can choose not to be unhappy. Even in bad situations, we can refuse to become unhappy about it. Having a happy state of mind does not mean that we won’t have, or should ignore, feelings of loss, frustration or disappointment. But choosing to maintain a positive outlook can help us to view negative occurrences within the proper perspective, not allowing the resulting emotions to become an all-encompassing feeling of discontent.

This puts a lot of control in our hands. It means taking responsibility for our own states of mind, as well as enjoying the freedom to choose how we will live. We can’t always choose the situations that occur within our lives, but we certainly have full control over the way we react to them.

Consider this passage, written by Viktor Frankl in Man’s Search for Meaning:

“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Being that they’re surrounded by suffering and death, separated from loved ones, and facing the prospect of their own demise, one would expect the prisoners to have feelings of apathy or despair. Instead, this passage illustrates that even in the midst of the most horrendous circumstance, there is still a choice of how to react to it. Therefore, when it comes to happiness, the onus is on us; and when it comes to UNhappiness, the onus is on us.

Perhaps, the best example I can provide is one from my own life. In my previous post, Changing the Frame, I discussed how I reframed the situation regarding my divorce, which resulted in a shift in my overall outlook. As long as I continued to focus on what I felt was being “taken away” (negative frame), I remained in a holding pattern of sadness and regret. However, once I began to realize the opportunities that are now available to me as a result of this situation, I started to see more of what I was “gaining” (positive frame). My outlook changed because I CHOSE to focus on opportunity instead of loss.

Summarized, this was my experience:

DIVORCE = LOSS (negative frame)
negative reaction —> negative thoughts —> negative feelings —> negative outlook —> depression

DIVORCE = NEW OPPORTUNITIES (positive frame)
positive reaction —> positive thoughts —> positive feelings —> positive outlook —> happiness

I refuse to be unhappy; this has become a daily affirmation for me. I believe that happiness is a state of being that is chosen, not a feeling or a prize that will be awarded at some undetermined date. I think it is something that we choose to BE in the here and now. So, if you ask me, I think the secret to happiness is simply . . . choosing to be happy.

Happiness is a choice

[Image via H34]

This entry is first of a 3 part series. Read parts 2 and 3:
PRESCRIPTION FOR UNHAPPINESS
THE ACTIVITY OF HAPPINESS

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