Tag Archives: emotional health

IS THERE A POSITIVE SIDE OF REGRET?

Regret gets a bad rap. We are admonished to avoid this feeling at all costs. However, as with most all-or-nothing thinking, labeling regret as completely negative is an extreme generalization.

When we take a closer look, regret is simply a personal reaction (with both cognitive and emotional elements) to the consequence of a past act or behavior. But is regret actually negative? When we consider that regret occurs as a result of a negative consequence, is it possible that we assign a negative value to the experience of regret due to the negative cause of it?

DOES REGRET HAVE A PURPOSE?

Regret in and of itself is not bad – it’s the way we handle it that presents a potential problem. Regret may have the purpose of alerting us to situations that are inconsistent with what we know is in the best interest for well-being, and then compelling us to make corrections for the sake of future well-being. Without it, we would never have a reason to contemplate any of our past actions and behaviors.

Visualize a buoy in the water. Its design causes it to always be right side up. Even if you push it under water or turn it upside-down, it quickly pops back up and it rights itself. It is possible that regret is an internal “righting” mechanism. It diverts our attention long enough for us to identify, understand, and correct problems so that we don’t repeat them in the future. Therefore, when we make mistakes, regret is there to help us to make adjustments and “right” ourselves so that we can properly manage future situations.

Our brains are designed to interpret and make sense of the world in which we live, with the overarching goal of protecting us from danger and demise. Therefore, it is continuously scanning and interpreting so that we can create a sense of order in the form of expectations (based on what we’ve learned through previous experience), which helps us to avoid potentially harmful situations.

Experience-based learning occurs through our experiences with cause and effect. We learn that certain decisions and behaviors lead to specific consequences. Regret, therefore, is a mechanism that compels us to stop and deeply consider something that has caused disruption to our well-being. The cognitive component helps us to connect the dots between cause and effect, and the emotional component (i.e., remorse, guilt, etc.) ensures that we never forget the lesson.

Regret triggers mental inspection. It channels our attention so that we can make important connections toward our understanding of how one thing (i.e., a decision or behavior) leads to another (consequence). Once we recognize that a decision/action has caused a negative consequence, we naturally experience the feeling of regret, wishing we had made a different choice. This is what helps us to gain insight and make better decisions in the future. However, when we become stuck in the mindset of wishing we could change the past – that is when we become mired in the negative emotional components, such as extreme remorse and guilt, which can ultimately lead to depression.

CAN REGRET BE USED AS A TOOL?

Regret, when managed properly, is a mechanism for growth. For growth, it is actually healthy to look back on situations to examine our mistakes, and even to feel a degree of remorse or regret because it can often lead to changes. However, when looking back, it is important to know the difference between a glance and a stare.

We should understand that when looking at the past, more is not better. A glance allows us to examine a situation just long enough to see the mistake, connect the dots, extract a lesson, and then quickly move on, However, staring at the past is often counterproductive. If we are simply staring at the past with no purpose in mind – simply wallowing in it without a plan to move past it – it becomes emotionally detrimental.

Rumination, constantly going over the details of a past occurrence, often leads to a state of entrapment. Although there is a constant examination of the past occurrence, there is no actual productive end in mind. Instead, we continue to focus on the mistake itself (instead of the lesson) until it becomes larger than life. As a result, we feel completely overwhelmed as if eclipsed in the shadow of it.

It is unfortunate when we become stuck in the negative emotional components of regret (i.e., guilt, remorse, anger/lack of forgiveness toward self), because we minimize the benefits of the cognitive component (lesson learned), which makes it extremely hard to move on. With so much focus on the past, we begin to lose precious moments of the present. And when we can’t properly focus on the present, it also jeopardizes the future.

If we can recognize that regret is a normal emotion that we all feel to some degree, and that regret can serve a positive purpose, then perhaps we can see it more as a tool – something that triggers us to actually SEARCH for the lessons provided by negative consequences. If we can become adept at finding the lesson, then we can recognize when regret has outlived its usefulness, and instead file away the lesson versus the regret itself.

REGRET HELPS US TO EVOLVE

When we feel regret, it is a sign that we wish we could have done something differently. It means we recognize and desire better experiences for ourselves. Without regret, we may not recognize when we could have made better choices, which would make it difficult for us to grow from our experiences.

From an existential standpoint, regret is an important mechanism that ensures that we process the meaning of our experiences. It protects our well-being by guiding us toward less disruption in our future experiences, which in turn maximizes our existence.

On the most basic level, we seek to maximize positive experiences while minimizing the negative ones (recognized by our minds as threats). Our minds are designed to learn from the negative experiences so that we don’t repeat mistakes that threaten our existence. In this sense, we are naturally wired for evolution and growth.

Therefore, regret is not positive or negative. Regret is simply a human reaction that coerces us toward improvement. It is a sign that we possess an inherent desire to positively evolve . . . which is something we share with all other humans.

“We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.
But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles,
and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.”
~Steve Maraboli~

Do you try to avoid regret? Is is actually possible to avoid it? Do you believe regret can be used positively?

THE KEY TO EMOTIONAL HEALTH IS . . .

. . . PERSPECTIVE.

It’s a fact; bad things happen to good people. Regardless of how well we attempt to manage our lives, no one escapes unscathed when it comes to the negative side of life.

The truth is that we all experience emotionally impactful events at some point in our lives, whether it is in the form of failure, disappointment, or heartbreak. But knowing that it happens to everyone doesn’t make it any easier to deal with once it is staring us in the face.

It isn’t realistic to expect that we can somehow fortify ourselves to the point of not experiencing negative emotions. It would be abnormal if we didn’t feel them, and it’s unhealthy to suppress them. However, learning to minimize the impact of negative situations is a very realistic goal.

When negative events occur, we all have different ways of expressing the accompanying emotions. But when it comes to the intensity and duration of these feelings, it has more to do with the way we perceive these events than with the events themselves. Therefore, one of the most important skills to develop is the ability to maintain a realistic perspective.

Perspective is very important when it comes to managing emotions. Think about the way a magnifying glass works – it enlarges the object of study. In addition to making the object larger, it also distorts its proportions – as with the face of our friend in the photo above.

When it comes to the negative events in our lives, many of us have a tendency to do the same; we magnify a negative situation to where it becomes larger than it needs to be, and our perception of its impact becomes disproportionate to the other areas of our lives. Therefore, managing the negative impact begins with managing our perspective.

How do we accomplish this?

There are 5 key things to remember which can help us to maintain a realistic perspective:

  1. Our lives are comprised of collective experiences, and ONE experience does not define the whole. Over the course of a lifetime, one experience is like a drop in a pool of experiences. We shouldn’t give one experience more importance than is truly warranted.

  2. Consider the concept of impermanence; nothing is fixed or permanent. The same is true regarding negative situations. Regardless of how bad it may seem, we must maintain the understanding that what we are feeling is temporary, and that the discomfort won’t last forever. Keep in mind the saying, “this too shall pass.”

  3. Know the difference between discomfort and catastrophe. We shouldn’t assign extreme values to normal emotions (i.e., catastrophize). It is acceptable to acknowledge that we are upset (sad, angry, frustrated, etc.), but to use the word “devastated” would be an exaggeration.

  4. Don’t overgeneralize. Experiencing a failure does not mean we ARE a failure, nor does it mean that we will continue to fail. Additionally, just because one situation has gone bad, we shouldn’t generalize that everything else is bad (e.g., “My girlfriend left me . . . my entire life sucks.”).

  5. Most of us experience more good than bad in our lives. Therefore, when facing failures and disappointments, we should remind ourselves of our competencies and previous accomplishments. We should learn to acknowledge the good things in our lives, so that we don’t place a disproportionate focus on the bad.

When we maintain perspective, we increase our ability to manage negative situations more positively. We can’t anesthetize ourselves from feeling normal emotions. However, using the key concepts above, we can better manage the way we process them, which can minimize the negative impact. Maintaining a proper perspective allows us to see these events as they really are – through a realistic lens, without the distortions of a magnifying glass.

*Image: Javier Arce

How often do you magnify negative situations in your life? Do you think the suggestions above would help you to handle negative situations differently?

You may also enjoy: SHIFTING GEARS

EMOTIONAL ECONOMICS: 4 Ways to Manage Our Inner Resources

As many of us learned in Economics 101, economics analyzes the allocation of resources. It addresses the reality that resources are scarce, and seeks to organize society so that it most efficiently utilizes those resources.

In economics, choosing to allocate resources to a certain activity creates an opportunity cost – the loss of an alternative. This means that we choose one opportunity at the expense of another. This is why it is very important to allocate scarce resources toward the best opportunities, because once expended, we forgo the alternate opportunities.

Whether we realize it or not, our daily interactions consist of an expenditure of internal resources. Those resources exist in the form of energy – physical, mental and emotional. We are constantly managing the expenditure and replenishment of those resources, and if we aren’t careful we can end up in a state of deficit.

Interestingly, the word “economics” is derived from the ancient Greek word “oikonomia,” which translates as “household management.” When we consider the allocation of inner resources, household becomes analogous to the self.

Mental resources are those that contribute to planning, problem solving and other cognitive functions. Emotional resources refer to our emotional reactions to external events, as well as emotional well-being. Physical resources encompass our physiological systems and overall bodily health.

It is important to note that these resources do not exist in isolation; they are holistically interconnected. Therefore, over-expenditure in one area can negatively affect the other two areas. For example, over-expenditure of emotional resources can negatively affect mental resources. Once we experience a negative emotional event, an overall mood emerges which can disrupt other mental activities. Biologically, research has shown that emotional upset can disrupt our cognitive processing. Consequently, when driven by emotion, our perceptions, judgment and concentration are negatively affected, and if the heightened emotional state persists, the body will become stressed. The physical stress response can cause detrimental changes and, over time, can manifest as exhaustion and illness.

We experience many competing interests which place demands on our internal resources. To stay healthy, we must acknowledge that our resources are limited, and take great care not to deplete them.

How do we accomplish this?

One way is to shift our perspective to one of emotional economy, focusing on the allocation of finite inner resources, and consciously considering opportunity costs. In other words, it’s the management of supply and demand.

Since we can’t really create more supply, one of the best ways to manage our inner resources is through conservation – preventing waste. Carefully considering opportunity costs will allow us to consciously choose the most effective expenditures, thus allowing us to conserve our efforts for the highest pursuits.

There are four ways to conserve our inner resources:

  1. Employ Selective Engagement

    Selective engagement means consciously selecting our activities and personal interactions. In other words, we can selectively engage in the interactions and activities that will provide the most benefit. Additionally, when it comes to managing conflict, it means choosing which battles to fight, rather than fighting them all.

    Example: The night before a final exam, a college student learns that her roommate has been spreading rumors about her. Understandingly, she is upset by this violation of trust. At this point, there are two external demands which she must consider. She can confront her roommate, which carries the risk of a heightened emotional event, which could affect her ability to concentrate. Or she can study for her exam which will facilitate her accomplishment of a higher goal. Both choices involve an opportunity cost. However, considering economy, she should select the option that provides the greater benefit – which is studying for the exam.

    Demands that involve negative interactions will drain our inner resources without offering a benefit. We should therefore look for ways to minimize or eliminate the time we spend interacting with negative people.

  2. Practice Verbal Restraint

    During conflict, take time to collect your thoughts. Don’t be provoked into emotional responses. Think before you speak, and say only what is necessary. The goal of any discussion or argument should be resolution, so if you see that things are not moving toward resolution, or communication is devolving into an emotional shouting match, conserve your resources by disengaging.

    Additionally, when it comes to communication, consider the fact that sometimes less is more. At times, it is better to listen and consider, versus providing a rebuttal or having the last word.

    “Sometimes one creates a dynamic impression by saying something, and sometimes one creates as significant an impression by remaining silent.” ~Dalai Lama~

  3. Stop

    At times it is important to focus on allowing instead of controlling. You will expend much less energy when you allow things to unfold naturally (i.e. patience and acceptance) than attempting to micromanage each and every detail.

    If something isn’t working – i.e., a relationship or goal-oriented activity – simply stop. Allow the situation to exist as it is without trying to force it to happen. You can’t control anything (or anyone) outside of yourself, so it is a waste of inner resources to continue your efforts.

  4. Replenish

    When you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed, take the time to slow things down. Think of the cache (temporary memory) of a computer. As you browse the internet, the cache saves each new page so that it can be quickly accessed once you visit again. However, as the cache reaches capacity, the browser speed slows down. The only way to remedy this situation is to clear the cache. As we go about our daily activities, we add more and more items to our inner cache. In the same way that the computer’s browser speed is affected, we also can become overloaded. Taking a time-out for meditation, deep breathing, or even a power nap, will help us to clear our mental cache.

See the following video for an effective quick meditation technique:

Conscious awareness of “emotional economics” can help us to manage our interactions more effectively. Through selective engagement, verbal restraint, ceased control, and replenishment, we can conserve our resources for the most beneficial pursuits, and potentially enjoy increased focused (due to more energy) while doing them.

Image: 123RFJason Yoder

Do you often feel a sense of emotional overload due to competing demands? How do you think the strategies above would change your situation?