Tag Archives: evolution

IS THERE A POSITIVE SIDE OF REGRET?

Regret gets a bad rap. We are admonished to avoid this feeling at all costs. However, as with most all-or-nothing thinking, labeling regret as completely negative is an extreme generalization.

When we take a closer look, regret is simply a personal reaction (with both cognitive and emotional elements) to the consequence of a past act or behavior. But is regret actually negative? When we consider that regret occurs as a result of a negative consequence, is it possible that we assign a negative value to the experience of regret due to the negative cause of it?

DOES REGRET HAVE A PURPOSE?

Regret in and of itself is not bad – it’s the way we handle it that presents a potential problem. Regret may have the purpose of alerting us to situations that are inconsistent with what we know is in the best interest for well-being, and then compelling us to make corrections for the sake of future well-being. Without it, we would never have a reason to contemplate any of our past actions and behaviors.

Visualize a buoy in the water. Its design causes it to always be right side up. Even if you push it under water or turn it upside-down, it quickly pops back up and it rights itself. It is possible that regret is an internal “righting” mechanism. It diverts our attention long enough for us to identify, understand, and correct problems so that we don’t repeat them in the future. Therefore, when we make mistakes, regret is there to help us to make adjustments and “right” ourselves so that we can properly manage future situations.

Our brains are designed to interpret and make sense of the world in which we live, with the overarching goal of protecting us from danger and demise. Therefore, it is continuously scanning and interpreting so that we can create a sense of order in the form of expectations (based on what we’ve learned through previous experience), which helps us to avoid potentially harmful situations.

Experience-based learning occurs through our experiences with cause and effect. We learn that certain decisions and behaviors lead to specific consequences. Regret, therefore, is a mechanism that compels us to stop and deeply consider something that has caused disruption to our well-being. The cognitive component helps us to connect the dots between cause and effect, and the emotional component (i.e., remorse, guilt, etc.) ensures that we never forget the lesson.

Regret triggers mental inspection. It channels our attention so that we can make important connections toward our understanding of how one thing (i.e., a decision or behavior) leads to another (consequence). Once we recognize that a decision/action has caused a negative consequence, we naturally experience the feeling of regret, wishing we had made a different choice. This is what helps us to gain insight and make better decisions in the future. However, when we become stuck in the mindset of wishing we could change the past – that is when we become mired in the negative emotional components, such as extreme remorse and guilt, which can ultimately lead to depression.

CAN REGRET BE USED AS A TOOL?

Regret, when managed properly, is a mechanism for growth. For growth, it is actually healthy to look back on situations to examine our mistakes, and even to feel a degree of remorse or regret because it can often lead to changes. However, when looking back, it is important to know the difference between a glance and a stare.

We should understand that when looking at the past, more is not better. A glance allows us to examine a situation just long enough to see the mistake, connect the dots, extract a lesson, and then quickly move on, However, staring at the past is often counterproductive. If we are simply staring at the past with no purpose in mind – simply wallowing in it without a plan to move past it – it becomes emotionally detrimental.

Rumination, constantly going over the details of a past occurrence, often leads to a state of entrapment. Although there is a constant examination of the past occurrence, there is no actual productive end in mind. Instead, we continue to focus on the mistake itself (instead of the lesson) until it becomes larger than life. As a result, we feel completely overwhelmed as if eclipsed in the shadow of it.

It is unfortunate when we become stuck in the negative emotional components of regret (i.e., guilt, remorse, anger/lack of forgiveness toward self), because we minimize the benefits of the cognitive component (lesson learned), which makes it extremely hard to move on. With so much focus on the past, we begin to lose precious moments of the present. And when we can’t properly focus on the present, it also jeopardizes the future.

If we can recognize that regret is a normal emotion that we all feel to some degree, and that regret can serve a positive purpose, then perhaps we can see it more as a tool – something that triggers us to actually SEARCH for the lessons provided by negative consequences. If we can become adept at finding the lesson, then we can recognize when regret has outlived its usefulness, and instead file away the lesson versus the regret itself.

REGRET HELPS US TO EVOLVE

When we feel regret, it is a sign that we wish we could have done something differently. It means we recognize and desire better experiences for ourselves. Without regret, we may not recognize when we could have made better choices, which would make it difficult for us to grow from our experiences.

From an existential standpoint, regret is an important mechanism that ensures that we process the meaning of our experiences. It protects our well-being by guiding us toward less disruption in our future experiences, which in turn maximizes our existence.

On the most basic level, we seek to maximize positive experiences while minimizing the negative ones (recognized by our minds as threats). Our minds are designed to learn from the negative experiences so that we don’t repeat mistakes that threaten our existence. In this sense, we are naturally wired for evolution and growth.

Therefore, regret is not positive or negative. Regret is simply a human reaction that coerces us toward improvement. It is a sign that we possess an inherent desire to positively evolve . . . which is something we share with all other humans.

“We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.
But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles,
and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.”
~Steve Maraboli~

Do you try to avoid regret? Is is actually possible to avoid it? Do you believe regret can be used positively?

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE

“The bamboo that bends is stronger than the oak that resists.”
~Japanese Proverb~

Change occurs whether we like it or not. When we step back and take a true look at the world, it is not a static picture that we see. Instead, we see a world that is ever-evolving and in constant motion, and unless we learn to evolve with it, we will become isolated from progress like an artifact frozen in time.

One of the keys to managing emotional health lies within our ability to accept change – acceptance of the fact that change HAS occurred, and that change WILL occur. Inability to accept the inevitability of change will lead to an emotionally challenged existence.

This is not to say that we are passive “victims” of change. Though we cannot control external causes, we can certainly manage our responses to them. The world stops for no one – and change will occur with our without our endorsement. Therefore, it is better to find a way to embrace change than to resist it.

Bamboo has long been regarded as a symbol of longevity and resilience – and certainly for good reason. It stays evergreen throughout the four seasons, even during harsh winter months. Additionally, it is known for its ability to bend without breaking, resiliently swaying with the direction of changing winds. In fact, bamboo is so resilient that architects and engineers have long had an interest in designing earthquake-resistant bamboo structures, utilizing its natural resilience.

Accepting change is about staying in the “here and now.” When we refuse to accept change, we are expressing a wish to remain in an idealized past that no longer exists; it is the obstinate non-acceptance of an inevitable unfolding reality. In other words, it is a rejection of a key element of life’s essence. Essentially, as situations change, we face a changed reality that we must find a way to accept. Otherwise, we run the risk of living in the past, which is outside of what has now become reality. Therefore, like the bamboo, we have the options to either bend with change (which is inevitable), or be broken by it and left behind

One important point to consider is that change always makes way for something new or different. Endings lead to beginnings. So, within change, there is always an opportunitiy waiting to be uncovered. Resistance to change will create stagnation by the simple fact that we separate ourselves from the opportunities that are inherent in change. Therefore, as we emerge from any situation, we should ready ourselves for the next.

“The world is full of movement
bathing us in change.”
~John Millar~

The natural world that surrounds us is moving; nothing stays the same. We see evidence of this as we observe natural life cycles, the changing of seasons, rising and setting of the sun, and the changing landscape of the earth’s surface. Since we don’t exist in a vacuüm, humans are not exempt. In the same way that the world does not create a static picture, there are no static images staring back as we look in the mirror.

As with the physical universe, intangible beliefs and ideas are also affected by change. New discoveries will challenge our accepted ideas, which could possibly lead to shifts in our personal worldview. Of course there are those inner truths to which we will hold steadfast. However, we shouldn’t be so rigid that we hinder personal development. Moreover, it is illogical to reject a discovery that has exposed a hole in personal logic.

What’s the lesson here?

I believe inspiration can be found in all things, and the ever-changing universe is an awe-inspiring example. Change is natural – and inevitable. It’s a fact that we should acknowledge and accept as part of our life plan.

I can’t think of a better way to illustrate the constant motion of our universe than through the art of time-lapse cinematography. As you watch “Mountain Light,” consider the inevitable nature of change and how our resistance to it is truly futile.

(To see more award-winning time-lapse photography from Tom Lowe, visit Timescapes.org and Vimeo.)

How do you normally react to change? Do you see distress – or opportunity?

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THE WORST CASE SCENARIO

After receiving some bad news yesterday, I spent a good amount of time contemplating a solution for the newly revealed situation. I wish I could say that I immediately sat down and followed a logical line of thinking, and therefore came up with a brilliant solution. To the contrary, I found myself ruminating over unlikely “what if” scenarios.

When I caught myself doing this, I stopped, and then asked myself what would be the WORST case scenario, and what is the true likelihood of it happening? I followed the “what ifs” to their logical conclusions and it didn’t take long for me to answer the question: there was practically zero probability of it happening.

I concluded that the worst case scenario (for this situation) would be to lose everything I owned. And even though I realized that the possibility of it happening is extremely low, I thought more about what it would mean if it actually happened. I then resolved that it wouldn’t be the worst thing to ever happen. I reflected upon this Buddhist quote:

“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.” (Siddhārtha Gautama, the Buddha)

In other words, things could always be worse. There are many in the world who have experienced much worse than I ever will. In fact, I know someone who HAS experienced my worst case scenario . . . and they survived it.

Adversity, even in the worst case, can only take so much from us. Even in the worst case, there are still things for which to be thankful. Material things come and go, but heart, mind and soul are the foundations of who we are, and they are, in fact, untouchable. If we allow it, the discomfort created by adversity can help to build strength and resilience in the same way the body becomes stronger when challenged by the stress of physical training.

Comparatively, in the same way that we train the body to become stronger, the mind and spirit also evolve as we obtain knowledge. However, to become stronger, we have to complete the process by taking the additional step of APPLYING what we’ve learned.

I confess to being an avid reader. Over my lifetime, I have accumulated knowledge and inspiration from many sources. But can I exclaim that I am actually evolving? To read so much, and be inspired by so many passages and quotes, yet not be able to recall this inspiration and apply the lessons learned when actually faced with adversity, any perception of personal evolution is illusory. It is comparable to being a runner who diligently trains, then disregards everything learned once it comes time to run the race.

If ever faced with the worst case scenario, I hope to be able to reflect upon the words I’ve read, as well as remember the examples of strength and perseverance that I have witnessed. With regard to the quote above, I hope to be able to look in the mirror and see that I still have my body, mind and spirit. And even if my body has become weakened, I will still have my mind. And if my mind has faltered, I will still have my spirit.

Nina Simone expressed this exact sentiment in the song “Ain’t Got No/I Got Life.” If the worst case scenario ever presents itself, this is the song I would love to be able to sing.

Have you ever worried yourself over a worst-case-scenario? Did you accurately assess the likelihood of it happening? What would it mean (realistically) if the worst case came to pass?