Tag Archives: fulfillment

FIND (AND LISTEN TO) YOUR OWN VOICE

“When you lose touch with your inner stillness,
you lose touch with yourself.
When you lose touch with yourself,
you lose yourself in the world”
~Eckhart Tolle~

Many of us reach a point where we realize that our lives have gone off track. It’s as if we wake up one day and suddenly realize that we’ve simply been swept along by the tides of life in uncharted directions. Why does this happen?

Well, the truth is that life entails momentum, and it is easy to become caught up in it. Once we realize that we’ve become lost in that momentum, we often begin to seek ways to return to ourselves. Thus, it is not uncommon to understand the concepts of “losing ourselves” and “finding ourselves.”

Finding or returning to ourselves is the process of examining and coming to understand who we are. This type of exploration helps us to acknowledge our authentic values, desires, motivations, strengths, and weaknesses so that we may assert ourselves in healthy ways, and design our lives around authentically fulfilling endeavors. Often, people who suddenly change careers are doing just that. A wonderful example of this is seen the following video short, which interviews a man who left a career in medicine to start a bakery – clearly a decision to follow his passion.

Finding ourselves is not always an easy task because the momentum of life can be likened to background noise, which makes it hard for us to hear our own voices. At times, the noise can become so loud that our own voices are drowned out altogether.

In the design of our lives, we often face pressures from the expectations of others, which can become the loudest noise of all. There is nothing wrong with being offered advice and guidance, or working with others in the spirit of cooperation. However, it is important not to allow the expectations of others to overshadow your sense of self.

Therefore, I think the first step toward finding ourselves is to listen for our own voice. In many ways, we have to stop caring about what other people think of us, and allow our own voices to take center stage. This becomes especially important when we embark on an endeavor to make radical changes in our lives.

There may be others who are close to us who are not ready to accept the changes we wish to make simply because it challenges the identity they have created for us, creates insecurity about the role they play in our lives, and can also challenge them to take a hard look at their own lives (which often conjures fears and insecurities).

When we face opposition, we have to allow our own voice to maintain a position of prominence. In fact, we should embrace the responsibility of being an advocate for our own needs. Moreover, we should not feel guilt for expressing our true selves. The truth is that each of us is responsible for our own distress. If expressing our desire to evolve in a self-directed manner creates distress for others, it is not our responsibility to shrink ourselves to fit the comfort levels of others.

Within our own voice is often the key to our own flourishing. Flourishing, a key concept in the field of positive psychology, is associated with living a meaningful and fulfilled life by developing our potential, and using that potential to pursue goals that fulfill the needs of our individual natures.

Obviously, your nature is uniquely our own, and it follows that the needs of your nature cannot be defined by anyone but YOU. If our voices could be likened to an internal GPS, ignoring our own voice is roughly equivalent to ignoring the internal guidance system, and instead preferring to accept direction from others who have no idea of where we wish to go.

Finding our own voice is an integral part of finding and understanding ourselves because it brings our motivations to the surface. Personal change is rooted in the ability to understand those motivations. Change occurs when our personal motivations become strong enough to give impetus to a changed behavior or course. Therefore, if we cannot hear ourselves – or worse, refuse to listen – change is virtually impossible.

The lesson here is to become more mindfully aware of who we are and to find the courage to express the inner selves that we “discover.” Our inner voice is always there, whether we can hear it or not. Our task is to block out the background noise, and bring our minds to the center of ourselves so that we can more effectively hear it.

THE VOICE

There is a voice inside of you
That whispers all day long,
“I feel this is right for me,
I know that this is wrong.”
No teacher, preacher, parent, friend
Or wise man can decide
What’s right for you–just listen to
The voice that speaks inside.

~Shel Silverstein~

Are you in touch with your inner voice? What is it telling you? Do you find it hard to express your needs and desires to others?

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TWO COMPELLING REASONS TO STOP SETTLING FOR LESS

“The biggest human temptation
is to settle for too little.”
~Thomas Merton~

Whether referring to career, relationships, or general life, we all have undoubtedly received this admonishment: Never settle for less. If asked why, the most likely answer would be, “Because you deserve more.” However, from a semantic standpoint, there are even more compelling reasons to stop settling.

Consider the word settle in its literal sense:

    1. To come to rest
    2. A gradual sinking to a lower level
Maturation (growth) requires a conscious effort of managing progressively complicated challenges. Settling for less can lead us to live in an unconscious manner – as if sleepwalking – accepting the safety and comfort of routine over the discomfort of actively venturing into uncharted territory (fear of the unknown). In other words, choosing to settle for less can cause stagnation, thus impeding our own progress.

A second consequence of settling is personal regression. Settling can be a symptom of the unwillingness to progress to higher levels due to a fear of failure. Choosing to accept less is not only a choice to remain at a certain level, but it can also unintentionally cause us to regress to earlier stages of development, expressed through a preference to remain engaged in low-demand relationships and activities.

Stagnation can be likened to being stuck in traffic, not able to move forward or backward, while regression can be compared to the atrophy that occurs when a muscle is not being used.

Mentally, physically and spiritually, we need to flex our muscles for growth. Normally, growth occurs as a result of overcoming progressive levels of resistance. The more we flex, the more competent we become; and the more resistance or challenge we undertake, the stronger and more developed we become. Mastery of a lower level will normally trigger progression to the next higher level. But when we settle for less, we are essentially choosing to remove resistance (challenge) from our lives, which is essential for growth. Stagnation halts progress, and regression causes us to gradually lose ground.

In every aspect of our lives, we really do ourselves a disservice by settling. Although settling may feel comfortable initially, eventually dissatisfaction and/or apathy can set in. At the very least, we need to feel a sense of satisfaction to remain sufficiently motivated to continue in a situation, and at the other end of the spectrum passion is what propels us to higher levels of achievement and fulfillment.

So, if you’re feeling “stuck” or unchallenged, perhaps it is time to consider the areas in your life in which you may be settling for less, and make the changes necessary to reestablish active engagement and growth.

Do you recognize any areas in your life in which you are settling?

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THE ACTIVITY OF HAPPINESS

In my final thoughts for this series on happiness, I would like to address the original problem posed in The Secret to Happiness: How to define happiness.

Merriam-Webster provides the following definitions:
    a. a state of well-being and contentment
    b. a pleasurable or satisfying experience
In this discussion, I am not referring to specific experiences or brief feelings of pleasure. I am more referring the first definition; a state of well-being and contentment.

To further explain, I would like to make reference to Greek philosopher Aristotle. In his work, Nicomachean Ethics, the word happiness was translated from the Greek word, eudaimonia, which is more accurately defined as “well-being” and relates to the idea of human flourishing. Therefore, in his discussion of happiness, he is actually discussing “well-being.”

Aristotle explains that every human activity aims at some desirable end. The highest ends are “self-sufficient” (ends in themselves) while others are considered subordinate or intermediate, meaning that they are means to higher ends.

“Happiness is desirable in itself and never for the sake of something else. But honor, pleasure, reason, and every virtue we choose indeed for themselves, but we choose them also for the sake of happiness, judging that by means of them we shall be happy. Happiness, on the other hand, no one chooses for the sake of these, nor, in general, for anything other than itself. Happiness, then, is something final and self-sufficient.” Nicomachean Ethics (Book 1)

In other words, we seek happiness for its own sake, whereas we seek all other things ultimately for the sake of happiness. He further explains that happiness is the only good that we seek for its own sake. This means that wealth, power, success, and even intelligence are all sought, not as an end in themselves, but for the sake of happiness. With this understanding, it becomes easier to appreciate what Aristotle meant when he said, “Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence.”

A second important point is that Aristotle treats happiness as an activity:

“Happiness is not a state; we must rather class happiness as an activity. Some activities are necessary, i.e. choiceworthy for some other end, while others are choiceworthy in themselves. Clearly, then, we should count happiness as one of these activities that are choiceworthy in themselves, not as one of those choiceworthy for some other end. For happiness lacks nothing, but is self-sufficient; and an activity is choiceworthy in itself when nothing further beyond it is sought from it.” Nicomachean Ethics (Book 10)

Using the words activity and choice, he is implying that happiness involves ACTION. It is not something that you passively await to gain. It involves choosing HOW you wish to live, and participating in the activities that are conducive to that end. Therefore, happiness is the activity of living well.

Can this be applied to modern life? Well, if we accept that happiness is the highest end that we all seek, and that it involves the action of living well, then we can use these concepts as a basis for creating a life plan.

In A Guide for Rational Living, Albert Ellis, the founder of cognitive-behavioral therapy, said, “In many important respects, then, action, particularly creative, intensely absorbing activity, is one of the mainstays of happy living. Believe otherwise and live by a philosophy of inertia and inaction, and you will often sabotage your own potential satisfaction.” Here, Ellis is saying that action is a characteristic of happy living. Fulfilling activities promote happiness, and I believe that fulfilling activity is accompanied by happiness; i.e. happiness of pursuit.

Eudaimonia, translated as “human flourishing,” is very much related to the modern concepts of self-fulfillment (the fulfillment of your capacities) and self-actualization (realizing one’s full potential). The activities which create fulfillment will be different for each person. However, it is imperative that we define this for ourselves, and actively participate in those activities. This is what creates the type of happiness that will persist despite the ups and downs of life.

In my contemplation of this subject, my goal was to explore the idea that happiness comes from within, how thinking can affect mindset, and how to practically apply the findings to everyday life. In this article series, I uncovered 4 ideas that I could put to immediate practical use:

  • Choose to have a positive frame of mind
  • Refuse to be unhappy
  • Alter or eliminate sources of unhappiness
  • Engage in actions that create fulfillment
Though not exhaustive, I see this list as both a foundation upon which I can continue to build, as well as a litmus against which I can measure all future pursuits. Additionally, this list highlights one very important thing: Happiness is an action word. It requires activity, therefore you will never find it by sitting and waiting for it.

How active are you in creating conditions for you own happiness? How many of your current activities hinder your ability to live well (happiness)?

This article is third of a 3 part series. Read parts 1 and 2:
THE SECRET TO HAPPINESS
PRESCRIPTION FOR UNHAPPINESS