Tag Archives: happiness

BECOME THE SELF YOU WOULD LOVE TO SEE IN PHOTOS

“What you are is what you have been.
What you’ll be is what you do now.”
~Buddha~

I recently spent some time with an old friend. Since we hadn’t seen each other in many years, we spent some quality time catching up with each other’s lives. We shared personal stories, which naturally prompted us to share photos. However, as we were pouring through some of her family photos, I couldn’t help but notice that she was in very few of them, and of the few she was in, she looked sort of . . . well, miserable.

She seemed to purposely position herself behind others, off to the side, or simply was absent. As we looked at the photos, I would naturally ask about the circumstances surrounding the photos, questioning who was in the photos, where they were, etc. As she described the photos, she tended to refer to herself in light of whatever negative thing was going on in her life at the time. She would say things like:

“That was the summer when I broke up with George.”
“Oh, that was when I put on 20 pounds – I looked like a cow.”
“I didn’t want to do my hair that day, so that’s why I was wearing a hat.”
“I left the picnic early because my sister pissed me off.”

I could go on, but I’m sure you get the point. I heard more about her negatively associated memories than I did commentary on the activities themselves!

This prompted me to think about the way we chronicle our lives. My friend’s life was chronicled by negative events – and her photos were there as permanent reminders. Then I thought about my own photo albums. What do I see when I view my pictorial past? What memories stand out the most? Am I the self I would like to see reflected in photos?

Something I often discuss in my writings is that we – ourselves – color the canvas of our lives. The canvas can become colorful, stark, or gloomy; it really depends on the content we supply.

My friend’s memories tend to be slanted toward negative experiences. It was as if she was merely “inserted” into the celebratory backdrops of the photos, but not really a part of them. Now when she looks at those images, instead of remembering the reasons for gathering and celebration, she recalls whatever negative experience she was going through at the time – and there seemed to be a lot of them.

Here is something important to consider: If today were our last day on earth, our lives would be defined in retrospect from our recollections of the time we’ve spent here – equivalent to an ultimate photo album. So the question is, are we reflecting the self we would like to reflect upon?

Becoming the self we would love to see in photos is not about vanity. It’s about being able to reflect inner satisfaction and joy. One way to do this is by increasing our levels of happiness so that no matter when a photo is taken, we will be photo ready. I’m not suggesting that we diminish our existential concerns to simply being ready for pictures – I am suggesting that we find ways to have more happy days so that we can increase the probability of a random snapshot capturing an authentically positive day in our lives.

In light of my friend’s story, consider the following suggestions:

Don’t extend the past into the future

Why? Aside from the fact that we can’t change the past, continuing to ruminate over a negative experience actually extends the pain of that experience. Before you know it, we’ve lost an entire year of happiness due to undue focus on a past event.

In reference to my friend’s experience, the ending of a romantic relationship does not have to evolve into a permanent sticking point. Therefore, instead of continuing to focusing on pain or failure, learn to extract a life lesson – and then let it go.

Don’t allow small things to disrupt a positive flow

Or as Richard Carlson said, don’t sweat the small stuff. When minor disturbances occur, keep them in perspective and don’t allow them to cast a shadow over the bigger picture.

Celebrate and chronicle milestones

Studies of depression have revealed that people with a depressed or pessimistic outlook tend to diminish their successes and magnify failures and inadequacies. Therefore, I believe it is crucial to assign importance to our “special days” and achievements.

Just like the mile markers we see on the highway, personal milestones serve as important markers in our lives. These markers can measure advancement, goal attainment, personal achievements, or important events. Whether it be a milestone birthday or attainment of a diploma, acknowledging milestones adds a layer of positivity in our lives by magnifying those positive events.

If we allow these events to pass without acknowledgement, our recollections can become skewed in a direction that gives too much weight to negative events. Celebration increases the positive emotions associated with these events, which serves as a way to burn these events into our memories.

Become more mindfully aware

When we replace mindlessness with mindfulness, we become more aware and appreciative of both the things we do and of the world around us. To truly enjoy a meal may sound like a small suggestion. But when you consider the number of meals we mindlessly eat on the go, it is easy to see the number of forgone opportunities for us to take a break from everyday stress to actually enjoy the moments of taste and nourishment.

Mindfulness narrows our focus to the moment we are presently experiencing. Using the example of my friend, mindful awareness would have opened her senses to enjoy not only the time spent with her family, but all the things surrounding those events: nature, fresh air, good food, connection, relaxation, etc.

Take better care of yourself

In addition to the items above, I think it is most important that we acknowledge the imperative for self-care. When we feel bad (depressed), we can often neglect the extra effort it takes to fully care for ourselves. The same is true when we live stressful and busy lives – when we place more importance on the business of living, self-nurturing is often placed at the bottom of our lists. In both cases, we should remain committed to personal grooming, healthy diet practices, exercise, rest/relaxation, and general self-nurturing.

Final thoughts

All we ever have is the present moment, which is great because the present is where all of our changes occur. We can begin living now in a way that not only improves our future, but in the present we can improve what is destined to become the recollections – snapshots – of our future past.

What do you see in the retrospective view of your life? If you were to take a snapshot right now, what would you reflect?

50 WAYS TO START CULTIVATING HAPPINESS TODAY

“Happiness is an inside job.”
~William Arthur Ward~

The most common questions I hear from readers revolve around finding happiness. As many of you know, I believe happiness is self-generated. Whenever we are experiencing unhappiness, it is usually due to situations we have either created, invited, or failed to act upon.

Regardless of the specific causes of unhappiness, many people eventually reach the realization that if they want their situations to change, then THEY are the ones who must work to change it.

In my article, The First Step Toward Personal Change (featured on The Change Blog), I discussed the importance of envisioning a blank slate. A mental blank slate represents the “letting-go” of old patterns. It allows us to intentionally redesign our lives, unencumbered by mental clutter from the past.

So, if step one is to start with a blank slate, then the next logical question is . . . then what?

I believe the next task is start cultivating happiness. We can accomplish this by adding the carefully reinvented layers of our lives to the slate. Though we may all have areas that we need to focus on more, I have provided a list of 50 ways to begin the process.

This list is not meant to be exhaustive, but once you start the process, I am sure you will naturally add the items that are most relevant for you. There really isn’t a specific order to follow, but I think the most logical place to start is with a rediscovery of self.

SELF

    1. Learn about yourself through introspection.
    2. Define your core values and beliefs.
    3. Define your own purpose and direction.
    4. Love, value, and forgive yourself.
    5. Prioritize self-care (get enough sleep, healthy diet, relaxation, etc.).
    6. Live authentically.
RELATIONSHIPS

    7. Cultivate positive, supportive, and reciprocating relationships.
    8. Create healthy boundaries.
    9. Teach others how to treat you by loving and respecting yourself.
    10. Know the difference between dependence, independence, and interdependence.
    11. Seek relationships that cause your world to expand (your world should not feel smaller).
    12. Spend more time with inspiring people (and less time with negative people).
    13. Be inspiring to others.
    14. Don’t internalize or spread contagious negativity.
    15. Learn to ask for help, when needed.
ENVIRONMENT

    16. Simplify/organize your surroundings (get rid of excess).
    17. Design/create a personal sanctuary.
    18. Furnish your environment with inspiring materials (books, art, music, etc.)
    19. Enjoy a pet.
EXPERIENCES

    20. Be willing to learn and experience new things.
    21. Develop your creative skills and talents.
    22. Prioritize and schedule self-nurturing activities (pampering, self-care).
    23. Volunteer for a social cause.
    24. Seek peak experiences.
    25. Don’t wait for someday (start enjoying life today).
EMOTIONS

    26. Resist pessimistic thinking.
    27. Keep things in perspective.
    28. Accept that you can only control yourself and your own reactions.
    29. Don’t sweat the small stuff and choose your battles.
    30. Focus on the present (let go of the past, don’t worry about the future).
    31. Smile more.
    32. Increase your opportunities to share humor.
    33. Don’t allow negative moments to snowball (learn to bounce back quicker)
STRIVINGS

    34. Seek improvement over perfection.
    35. Challenge your self-limiting beliefs (you can achieve more than you think)
    36. Pursue meaningful goals.
    37. Find what you love to do and make it your life’s work.
    38. Redefine your beliefs about success (don’t confuse material acquisitions with success).
    39. Appreciate/celebrate your accomplishments and personal milestones.
    40. Give yourself permission to change your mind or direction when something isn’t working.
    41. Remember to enjoy the journey as much as the ultimate destination.
CENTEREDNESS

    42. Know that peace, love, and happiness are all generated from within.
    43. Learn to channel your awareness and attention (where your attention goes, energy flows).
    44. Learn to re-center and replenish using relaxation or meditation techniques.
    45. Recognize discomfort and boredom as a cues for change (versus distress)
    46. Seek fluidity over rigidity (become less resistant to change).
    47. Seek moments of solitude.
    48. When things change, embrace the new normal.
    49. Be thankful for what you have now, and live within your means.
    50. Practice gratitude.

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THE MYTH OF SOMEDAY

Someday is a mythical day that is scheduled to occur sometime between now and death. It is a day heralded by procrastinators, dreamers, and countless complacent others who are completely convinced of its existence – yet are unable to pinpoint exactly when it will occur.

More than likely, it’s a day that will never come.

There are varied reasons for putting things off until someday. The procrastinator is unable to focus, and fritters their time away with distractions. The perfectionist is waiting for the perfect day – when the stars align and everything is right with the world. The dreamer is simply unable to set goals, and the complacent one becomes accepting of their current state, too comfortable (or afraid) to break a mindless rut.

Putting things off until someday does not pertain only to small tasks and projects; it applies to bigger pursuits as well. Things such as travel, higher education, starting a business, and creative pursuits are often put off until someday – in spite of the fact that they are the very things that give our lives meaning.

Why do so many of us wait to enjoy life? Why do we postpone happiness until the end of something else? Why isn’t enjoyment a primary goal versus a by-product or happenstance? Is it really okay to tell ourselves that it’s not time to be happy now because, “I’m raising my children” . . . “building my career” . . . “waiting until retirement?” Will we deserve it more then? Is someday the magic day when it will be okay?

What we often forget is that life is defined by the quality of our experiences – not by mere existence. At the end of life, a person who has lived well doesn’t usually look back on life with the thought, “I’m happy that I existed.” Instead, a life lived well is determined by recollections of meaningful experiences. It’s a life that will leave us with the feeling of, “I’m happy that I have LIVED.”

Therefore, we must keep in mind that for happiness, living must include experiences above and beyond meeting the basic needs of existence. Happiness and enjoyment of life should be companion to other goals.

In The Activity of Happiness, I explained Aristotle’s view on eudaimonic happiness, which refers to the state of flourishing and well-being. He stated that every human activity aims at some desirable end. However, happiness is self-sufficient in that it is the highest end. Therefore, we seek all other things ultimately for the sake of happiness.

If we apply this thought, we should eliminate the mindset that happiness is extrinsic to our obligatory activities. Instead, we should consider it an element of every pursuit. In other words, there is no reason why work shouldn’t also include enjoyment, or why raising our children should replace our creative pursuits. Happiness should be inherent in all of our activities, and not seen as a separate quest.

There is an anonymous saying that “someday is not a day of the week.” It’s true. Someday is simply a myth – an ultimate procrastination. Waiting until someday is like living in a perpetual meantime; waiting indeterminately for an unplanned future event.

Tomorrow isn’t promised, and neither is someday. So we should seek to be happy now and enjoy every day, because someday is a day that may never come.

Dream what you want to dream;
go where you want to go;
be what you want to be,
because you have only one life and one chance
to do all the things you want to do.
~Anonymous~

Is there anything in your life that you’ve been putting off until someday? How would your life change if you were to set a real date and start planning for it now?

INTROSPECTION: Is it Frivolous?

How many of us really know ourselves? Is knowing ourselves truly important, or is introspection simply a frivolous activity for those who have nothing better to do?

There are many people who do not see the usefulness of introspection, and feel that it is synonymous with self-absorption. After all, there are many world problems that need solving. Why waste time looking inside of ourselves when we could be out saving the world – and, truly . . . what is the point?

Introspection, the observation of one’s inner thoughts, desires and feelings, has long been an activity attributed to deep thinkers. Even in the days of antiquity, ancient philosophers posed similar questions. Plato asked, “. . . why should we not calmly and patiently review our own thoughts, and thoroughly examine and see what these appearances in us really are?”

But, is this a relevant activity for our everyday living? Is introspective thought necessary?

Fast-forward to modern times, and we still see an interest in thought awareness. The interdisciplinary study of cognition (the study of mental processes, such as knowing or thinking) devotes a specific focus to the study of metacognition, which is loosely defined as “knowing about knowing,” or “thinking about thinking.” In addition to its obvious relevance to the process of learning, it also refers to self-regulation, meta-reasoning, consciousness and self-awareness.

Metacognition gives us the ability to think about, control, and transform our own thinking, which certainly has practical relevance. When we consider the fact that what we think and believe largely determines how we feel and act, introspection rises to a different level of importance.

There are two primary ways to go about living:

  1. Passively go about our lives in a haze of habit and reactivity. Do things the way we’ve always done them, never pondering whether our thoughts and actions are helping or hindering us. See ourselves as receivers of a random fate, reacting to whatever happens and allowing the chips to fall as they may. Life is a matter of disconnected existing, and happiness (or unhappiness) is simply a random by-product.

  2. Live our lives with a sense of awareness, waking each day with a higher goal in mind. See ourselves as managers of our lives, proactively cultivating our thoughts and actions in accordance with our goals. Examine the outcomes of our thoughts and actions, and make intentional changes as deemed necessary. Remain connected with our inner truths, and see happiness as the backdrop for everything else.

The primary difference between the 2 options lies within the level of intention. I believe that introspection is what unlocks intent. When we understand ourselves – our thinking, beliefs, desires, and feelings – it allows us to guide our own evolution. It makes it possible for us to examine our thinking and related behavior, and to make changes that will facilitate progress in an INTENDED direction. Therefore, considering the 2 options above, we can either live according to habit and impulse, or we can live by conscious intent.

Mindfulness, or present moment awareness, is a concept borrowed from Buddhist tradition that has been successfully adopted and used therapeutically by many Western psychologists. Mindfulness practice involves conscious awareness of one’s current thoughts, feelings, and surroundings. In addition to being aware, mindfulness also requires observing those thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them as good or bad. This is a very contemporary application of introspection and thought-awareness.

Introspection allows us to become deeply aware of our own thinking. Since our thinking is what colors our beliefs, assumptions, values, as well as our overall way of viewing reality, we can perhaps assign a higher level of importance to the activity of becoming more aware of ourselves.

Becoming more aware of ourselves places us squarely in the face of our own truths, and knowing our own truths allows us to connect more authentically with others. Introspection also helps us to intimately know ourselves through a heightened awareness of our feelings and emotions. In connecting with our inner selves, not only do we become more aware of self, but we can actually become more compassionate toward others. Having compassion for others begins with having an understanding of ourselves.

Introspection is a key with the potential to unlock the highest levels of our potential. It allows us to know ourselves, mold our beliefs, alter our thinking, set goals, change course, and enhance our connections to others. Realizing our human potential puts us on a direct path to happiness – and in my book, happiness is definitely not frivolous.

“Your vision will become clear
only when you look into your heart.
Who looks outside, dreams.
Who looks inside, awakens.”
~Carl Gustav Jung~

Image: Hand with Reflecting Sphere, by M.C. Escher

What are your thoughts about introspective thinking? Do you participate in any activities that facilitate introspection?

MILESTONES

[Image via Flickr, artist: cdw9]

My, how time flies.

Exactly 365 days ago, I wrote the first entry of this blog. I didn’t have a clear purpose. All I knew was that I needed to write.

At the time, I was working my way through a painful divorce. With so much going on, I was lost in a sea of thoughts. I was overwhelmed by thoughts of everything that had happened, questions about what will happen, and the stress of managing the day-to-day tasks that had become the new reality of my life (i.e., moving, legal proceedings, dwindling finances, health issues, etc.). This blog was a cathartic effort to organize that jumble of thoughts.

Picking up the pieces after such a large upheaval is never easy. However, KNOWING the way I was handling things wasn’t working created an intuitive need for me to challenge my own thinking. I knew that I wanted things to be different and the only way to accomplish that was to take a deep look inside of myself.

Looking back on what I have written over the past year, I see a distinct pattern of taking small slices of my life, contemplating it, and then mastering it enough to organize and write about it. I started by exploring my beliefs about happiness. Actually, I think all of my writing is about happiness because I see happiness the axle of a wheel, and every other topic as a spoke.

“Mistakes are the portals of discovery.” ~James Joyce~

I have learned not stare at the past because staring at it will suck you in, and wallowing in it simply isn’t useful. However, taking a well-distanced glimpse is good in order to examine detrimental patterns.

I believe that who we are is the collective result of who we’ve been. When I took glimpses into my past, I saw one very large gaping hole. Contrary to what you may be expecting me say, that hole had nothing to do with love, divorce, finances, health or any other circumstance. The hole was my ability to curate joy and happiness.

Though I was enjoying enriching the lives of everyone around me, I had traded in my own life and was experiencing life through others. I was making happiness deposits into everyone else’s accounts, and not making ANY true deposits into my own. Once the new reality of my life began, I found that my account was empty.

Paradoxically, I embarked on a quest to change my past; not the past that has passed, but the elements of my “future past.” In other words, I decided that I didn’t want to repeat in the future the same experience of looking back on a past that lacks happiness – and if I truly wanted better future memories, I needed to start making deposits.

As a result, I have learned to focus on the things that truly enrich my life by doing more of what I enjoy. I eat better, exercise more, and spend more of my time around positive people. I purposely seek new experiences as a way to stay sufficiently challenged. However, one of the biggest changes in my life is that I have learned to acknowledge my accomplishments and celebrate milestones . . . such as this one – the one year anniversary of my blog.

For those of you who have been reading since the beginning, I am grateful for your continued interest and support. And for those of you who are new, I’m glad you found my small spot on the web, and I welcome you. Thanks to everyone for reading, contributing, and sharing my links.

Since we don’t have a real cake to share, we will have to raise our forks in spirit only:

Here’s to another successful year of change!

Related article: THE SECRET TO HAPPINESS

FERTILE SOIL

[Image via Fayette County
Soil Conservation District]

You don’t have to be a gardener to know that if you wish to grow healthy plants, you must provide a nourishing environment. If you plant seeds in barren soil, you will yield weak plants; and in toxic soil, the plants will die. The only way to ensure abundant growth is to plant healthy seeds in soil that is rich.

When I initially wrote on the topic of happiness, I described it as an ultimate state of well-being for which all humans tend to strive. Aristotle explained eudaimonia, the state of human flourishing, as the ultimate end sought by all human endeavors, and further explained that we are only able to reach that end through rational activity in accordance with that end. In other words, if we wish to reach this end, then we should engage in activities that will augment our efforts, and avoid activities that will detract from them.

Comparable to Maslow’s theory of self-actualization (reaching full human potential), eudaimonic happiness is a state of being that exceeds mere existence. It is a state of flourishing; thriving. It is the difference between existence and true fulfillment.

So, what does this have to do with gardening?

As I stated above, it is useless to strive for prize-winning plants if the soil you start with isn’t good. Happiness is something that is actively cultivated. Anyone who is concerned with living life in a fully actualized way must take a good look around themselves to assess whether the “soil” in which they are planted is indeed good.

Environment – Barren, toxic, or rich?

In barren soil, an environment devoid of nutrients, a plant will struggle to eke out an existence. Though it may grow, it cannot truly thrive. The same is true for us. Living in an environment that lacks life-enriching stimulation can lead to boredom and apathy.

Planting seeds in toxic soil puts them in direct contact with poisons and pollutants, which can ultimately kill the plant. A toxic human environment will not only impede our ability to flourish, but can even diminish our ability to exist. Attempting to survive in an abusive, unsanitary, unsafe, or any other type of negative environment can poison (or kill) the body, mind and spirit. I can’t express enough the importance of removing yourself from this type of environment.

Rich soil supplies an optimal mix of nutrients, thus an environment conducive to growth. Like plants, human flourishing is dependent upon the environment; it cannot occur in a barren or toxic environment. We should seek to immerse ourselves in an environment rich with growth-stimulating elements which will provide opportunities to expand our minds, as well as increase our exposure to peak life experiences.

Relationships – Am I growing amongst weeds?

The biggest drawback to having weeds is that they draw essential nutrients away from the roots of the primary plant, robbing it of its vitality. Weeds are relationships that distract us, cause us to settle for less, discourage us from seeking more, or poison us with negativity. If our goal is to flourish, then we must consider the people with whom we choose to surround ourselves. We should ask the following questions: Do they encourage me to be my best? Are they also seeking to flourish? Are they critical of me? Do they have a similar value system? And most importantly, do they contribute to the feeling of flourishing . . . or do they detract from it?

Activities – Do I actively till the soil?

Gardeners know the key to vital growth is to feed the soil, which in turn will feed the plant. When it comes to well-being, there is no one more responsible for the outcome than us, and a very integral step is to consciously cultivate our environments so that we can focus on this goal.

Eudaimonic happiness does not magically or accidentally happen, nor does it happen TO us. It occurs as a result of our own striving TOWARD it. Couch potato activities will not move us toward it, whereas activities such as study/reading, volunteering, and travel will. As we wake each day, we should go about seeking opportunities that allow us to expand our minds, help others, and explore and enjoy the world – the activities of human flourishing. Actively cultivating our environments strengthens the roots of this endeavor.

“Even the richest soil, if left uncultivated will produce the rankest weeds.“
~Leonardo da Vinci~

What kind of environment are you in? What have you done lately to cultivate your own soil?

Related Article: THE ACTIVITY OF HAPPINESS

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SHIFTING GEARS

Shift into the Present

Bad days suck. They come out of nowhere, and stick to you like double-sided tape – securely attached to you, and doubly attractive to the consequences of Murphy’s Law. Bad days have also been known to somehow affect the space-time continuum to where every real minute is consciously experienced as two. It’s the type of day where you swear that when you look up, you can see an actual black cloud overhead which has chosen to devote it’s time to you.

These types of days are usually triggered by a disappointment or bad event, and then go downhill from there. And the worst thing about having a bad day is that it is most likely a self-created situation.

Self-created? Yes, self-created.

It is a fact that bad things happen. Bad occurrences happen unexpectedly, yet they are normal (no one escapes them). However, our attitudes and reactions to these occurrences are what CREATE a bad day. Specifically, not allowing a bad moment to fade into the past is what perpetuates a bad day.

Bad occurrences are emotion-generating events. We appraise the situations that occur, and based on whether we believe them to be good or bad, an emotion arises. This is somewhat unconscious and automatic. Once we experience a negative emotion, our nervous systems are triggered so that we can initiate some type of coping behavior to solve the problem that has been presented. This is a very normal stress response, which is designed to be short-lived.

However, the problem arises when we don’t shift gears, and the emotion evolves into a MOOD (a more prolonged general state). There has been much research on the effects of emotion and mood on our ability to reason. Negative emotions exert a powerful influence over both perception and information-processing – what we think about, the decisions we make, as well as our creativity.

Have you ever been so angry that you can’t think straight? There is actually a biological reason for this. Without going into neuroscience, the short explanation is that the emotional and rational parts of our brain don’t work well together. The longer we stay in a negative mood, the less we are able to have good perceptions and judgments.

Perhaps this is the reason everything SEEMS to be bad when we are having a bad day. More than likely, the same occurrences on a good day would not be perceived as bad. We’d simply accept them as minor yet unlinked occurrences, versus catastrophe or as a string of bad luck. A good mood facilitates flexibility and creative problem-solving, allowing us to simply solve the problem and move on.

Learning to shift gears is directly related to the concept of emotional resilience; the ability to bounce back emotionally after suffering through difficult and stressful times. The word “resilient” itself refers to the ability to “spring back” into shape after being deformed. So think about this for a moment: If we prolong a bad moment, then we continue to dwell in the “deformed shape” created by that moment.

When bad things happen, they are only meant to affect us momentarily. Resilience allows us to experience stress, deal with it, and then move past it. Ultimately, the more times we practice resilience, the stronger we become at dealing with unpleasurable and stressful situations, and the more easily we are able to bounce back to a normal emotional state.

What helps me most in these situations is to always be mindful of the present. I try not to allow a bad moment to evolve into a bad day. I experience the emotions that naturally arise from a bad event, but I am very conscious of confining it to a small space in time, and then relinquishing it to the past. Once given the official status of “past,” I remain grounded in the present, which means not ruminating over what is now considered as the past.

The ability to shift gears is an integral part of managing overall happiness. Why? The reason is simple; because it minimizes suffering (unhappiness). In other words, bad occurrences don’t have to become prolonged anguish.

Not only does learning to shift gears promote resilience and happiness, but it also instills within in us a sense of mastery and control. The more we do it, the more competent we feel in our ability to do it, and it ultimately it prepares us to weather progressively stronger difficulties.

“Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found.” ~Pema Chodron~

Growth does not occur in an environment of ease. Bad occurrences should be expected as a normal part of life, as well as an occasion to rise to a challenge.

If you accept the common metaphor that life is a journey, then perhaps you can see that learning to shift gears is simply a way of managing the traffic and detours that you will inevitably experience along the way. You shouldn’t end your trip due to a detour. Instead, learn to shift gears, point your compass toward the present, and embrace the opportunity to become a better driver.

How do you manage your bad days? Is it easy to shift gears, or do you find yourself getting stuck in them?

You may also enjoy: THE PRESENT MOMENT

THE PRESENT MOMENT

[Image via aslis.com]

During a recent conversation with a friend, I was sharing some of my future plans. I have a habit of “thinking out loud” while my mind is in the process of working something through, and it wasn’t long before I was focusing on the challenges more so than the actual goals. My friend finally interrupted, stating that I was stressing myself by worrying about the future. I denied that I was worrying, and he firmly responded, “Yes, you are.” He then reminded me of the following quote:

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” Siddhārtha Gautama (Buddha)

Of course, I am very familiar with this quote; my friend was reminding me to focus on living “in the present.” But I never really accepted this as something realistic for my own life because I am an extremely goal-oriented person. If left to my own devices, I would create a flow chart and spreadsheet for every aspect of my life, with my focus always being in the future — so, present-mindedness was not an easy concept for me to grasp.

I read and study a lot. But, as I stated in an earlier entry, Celebrate Independence, I really don’t accept anything as true without discerning for myself whether it actually makes sense. So, when my friend mentioned the concept of present-mindedness, I realized that he was the THIRD person to bring this to my attention. So, I started thinking about what it actually means to “be in the present.”

What does it mean?

On the surface, it means being mindful of the present moment – not ruminating over the past, nor worrying about the future. It means enjoying life as it exists in this moment, and not as we wish it could, should, or would be. Okay, I understood this, especially about not focusing on the past; you cannot change what has already happened. But considering the fable, “The Ant and the Grasshopper,” I am definitely an ant, and ants are always working for the future.

It wasn’t until several days later when I was discussing training for a mountain trek, that I had an “A-ha moment” which crystallized my understanding of present-mindedness. I was explaining that I really wanted to get serious about doing longer local hikes to prepare myself for climbing. Someone raised the concern that many people don’t complete the climb due to altitude sickness, and they would hate to go so far only to FAIL in the end.

I responded that I really didn’t look at it that way, and whether or not I reached the summit, I would enjoy the climb itself, being able to experience nature of a new environment, enjoy the challenge, and learn more about myself (insert “A-ha moment” here). I had unintentionally explained what it means to be in the present.

Yes, the goal is to reach the top. However, if our only concern is to reach the top (future event), and we focus only on the obstacles that may or may not be present, we create a sense of anxiety regarding our ability to reach it. Similarly, if we ruminate over an incident that occurred prior to starting the ascent (past event), then we create a degree of distraction from the present activity of the actual climb.

I enjoy hiking. I never go on a hike with only the end in mind. I enjoy taking in the entire experience of it – nature, wildlife, openness of the outdoors, novelty, etc. I don’t really focus on reaching the end of the trail, nor do I focus on anything that happened prior to arriving at the trail. I’m simply excited about being ON the trail.

Enjoying the climb/trail represents the concept of present-mindedness. If we are past or future thinking, it means we are ALWAYS somewhere else, not able to enjoy the present moments of life. We are either stuck in the past, or worrying about the future. Past/future thinking also means that happiness is connected with a time OTHER THAN the present; it is either controlled by the past (I could have been happy IF . . .), or is pushed to some future time (once I finish school, retire, etc.).

Does this means that we should not plan or have goals? Of course, it doesn’t. Being “goal-oriented” is not necessarily synonymous with being “future-minded.” While we are taking steps to attain a goal, it is important to intentionally give attention to what is happening in the present moment. It means being aware of every moment AS WE EXPERIENCE IT, accepting what is happening today as being most important, not what may or may not happen in the future.

Why is this important?

The past, present and future are all connected through present moments. The past was at one time a present moment, and our future will become a present moment at some point. Hence, life consists of living in a series of present moments. Though we should acknowledge the past and future, we cannot dwell in either; the past has passed, and the future has not yet occurred.

I find it enlightening to contemplate the idea that our control over the past and future lies within the present. The present moment is where all of our decisions are made, so it is important to always be present-minded. During the activity of life, we are creating present moments that will ultimately influence the future. Additionally, the present moment will essentially become the past; therefore the control of our “future past” is also in the present moment.

My conclusion . . .

Living in the present means accepting life as it is NOW and, most importantly, it is about not letting our lives go by without truly living it. Happiness occurs in the present, which will become the happy past, and will essentially affect our future happiness.

Regarding goals, it means looking back on the effort and being able to say, “Wow, I really enjoyed that!”

And regarding life, living in the present pertains to the ongoing events of living. In other words, in contemplating the journey of living, it is knowing this: “It is better to travel well than to arrive.” Siddhārtha Gautama (Buddha)

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THE ACTIVITY OF HAPPINESS

In my final thoughts for this series on happiness, I would like to address the original problem posed in The Secret to Happiness: How to define happiness.

Merriam-Webster provides the following definitions:
    a. a state of well-being and contentment
    b. a pleasurable or satisfying experience
In this discussion, I am not referring to specific experiences or brief feelings of pleasure. I am more referring the first definition; a state of well-being and contentment.

To further explain, I would like to make reference to Greek philosopher Aristotle. In his work, Nicomachean Ethics, the word happiness was translated from the Greek word, eudaimonia, which is more accurately defined as “well-being” and relates to the idea of human flourishing. Therefore, in his discussion of happiness, he is actually discussing “well-being.”

Aristotle explains that every human activity aims at some desirable end. The highest ends are “self-sufficient” (ends in themselves) while others are considered subordinate or intermediate, meaning that they are means to higher ends.

“Happiness is desirable in itself and never for the sake of something else. But honor, pleasure, reason, and every virtue we choose indeed for themselves, but we choose them also for the sake of happiness, judging that by means of them we shall be happy. Happiness, on the other hand, no one chooses for the sake of these, nor, in general, for anything other than itself. Happiness, then, is something final and self-sufficient.” Nicomachean Ethics (Book 1)

In other words, we seek happiness for its own sake, whereas we seek all other things ultimately for the sake of happiness. He further explains that happiness is the only good that we seek for its own sake. This means that wealth, power, success, and even intelligence are all sought, not as an end in themselves, but for the sake of happiness. With this understanding, it becomes easier to appreciate what Aristotle meant when he said, “Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence.”

A second important point is that Aristotle treats happiness as an activity:

“Happiness is not a state; we must rather class happiness as an activity. Some activities are necessary, i.e. choiceworthy for some other end, while others are choiceworthy in themselves. Clearly, then, we should count happiness as one of these activities that are choiceworthy in themselves, not as one of those choiceworthy for some other end. For happiness lacks nothing, but is self-sufficient; and an activity is choiceworthy in itself when nothing further beyond it is sought from it.” Nicomachean Ethics (Book 10)

Using the words activity and choice, he is implying that happiness involves ACTION. It is not something that you passively await to gain. It involves choosing HOW you wish to live, and participating in the activities that are conducive to that end. Therefore, happiness is the activity of living well.

Can this be applied to modern life? Well, if we accept that happiness is the highest end that we all seek, and that it involves the action of living well, then we can use these concepts as a basis for creating a life plan.

In A Guide for Rational Living, Albert Ellis, the founder of cognitive-behavioral therapy, said, “In many important respects, then, action, particularly creative, intensely absorbing activity, is one of the mainstays of happy living. Believe otherwise and live by a philosophy of inertia and inaction, and you will often sabotage your own potential satisfaction.” Here, Ellis is saying that action is a characteristic of happy living. Fulfilling activities promote happiness, and I believe that fulfilling activity is accompanied by happiness; i.e. happiness of pursuit.

Eudaimonia, translated as “human flourishing,” is very much related to the modern concepts of self-fulfillment (the fulfillment of your capacities) and self-actualization (realizing one’s full potential). The activities which create fulfillment will be different for each person. However, it is imperative that we define this for ourselves, and actively participate in those activities. This is what creates the type of happiness that will persist despite the ups and downs of life.

In my contemplation of this subject, my goal was to explore the idea that happiness comes from within, how thinking can affect mindset, and how to practically apply the findings to everyday life. In this article series, I uncovered 4 ideas that I could put to immediate practical use:

  • Choose to have a positive frame of mind
  • Refuse to be unhappy
  • Alter or eliminate sources of unhappiness
  • Engage in actions that create fulfillment
Though not exhaustive, I see this list as both a foundation upon which I can continue to build, as well as a litmus against which I can measure all future pursuits. Additionally, this list highlights one very important thing: Happiness is an action word. It requires activity, therefore you will never find it by sitting and waiting for it.

How active are you in creating conditions for you own happiness? How many of your current activities hinder your ability to live well (happiness)?

This article is third of a 3 part series. Read parts 1 and 2:
THE SECRET TO HAPPINESS
PRESCRIPTION FOR UNHAPPINESS

PRESCRIPTION FOR UNHAPPINESS

There is an old joke in which a man goes to his doctor and says, “Doctor, my arm hurts whenever I move it like this.”

The doctor replies, “Well, quit moving it like that.”

As simple as this may sound, the doctor makes a very important point. In discussing the subject of avoiding unhappiness, I believe the prescription is as simple as the remedy offered by the doctor: simply stop doing the things that make you unhappy.

There are many theories that explain happiness/unhappiness, and as I examine them more closely, I notice a central idea that unites them all. For instance, Buddhists say that we are responsible for our own suffering. Therapists strive to help us see that we are responsible for our own feelings, whether they be positive or negative. Philosophy and Religion asserts that happiness comes from living a good (holy, virtuous, compassionate, enlightened, etc.) life, which still implies that we have control over our own happiness because we can decide to live a “good” life, or not. Though the theories originate from different schools of thought, the message is the same: WE are responsible for our own happiness or unhappiness.

If it is true that we have control over whether we are unhappy (which I believe it is), then it should follow that it is possible to identify what causes unhappiness, and then alter or eliminate the source. For my life, I have identified the following sources:

  • Dealing with difficult (dishonest, argumentative, critical, negative) people
  • Stagnation (not progressing)
  • Compromising my integrity
  • Personal inflexibility (goals, assumptions/beliefs, expectations)
There may be a few others, but I listed the sources which have had the largest impact on personal happiness over much of my life. As I reflect upon this list, I think back to the remedy provided by the doctor in the joke: quit moving it like that. In other words, don’t continue to repeat actions or stay in situations that cause pain (or in this case, unhappiness).

Is this too simplistic? I don’t think so. In reviewing my list, there is not one item for which I do not have control. For instance, I stated that dealing with negative people is a source of unhappiness. To clarify, I am not talking about the occasional difficult person or co-workers that I don’t like – in that case it is easy to ignore them. I am more referring to ongoing relationships with people who are perpetually negative. In this situation, though it may seem that the source is external (you can’t control or change other people), I still have full control over how I interact with such a person. For example, I could choose any of the following options:

  1. Attempt to strengthen boundaries and continue to deal with this person
  2. Limit exposure to this person
  3. Cease dealing with them altogether
Any of the options above could alleviate the negative effect I ALLOW this kind of person to have on my life. However, if I do nothing and continue to repeat the same negative interactions with this person (keep moving my arm), I would be doing what is equal to causing a repetitive motion injury for myself.

In my previous post, The Secret to Happiness, I stated that I believe happiness is a mindset; an overall state of being. In other words, happiness is not a fleeting feeling such as pleasure or euphoria; true happiness is a continual quality of existence, no less important than physical health. Hence, if there is something that interferes with our ability to BE happy, we should diligently seek a remedy.

So, regarding the pain in your arm, I agree with the doc – quit moving it like that. Then figure out why it is hurting, and eliminate the source.

[Image via Buzzle.com]

This entry is second of a 3 part series. Read parts 1 and 3:
THE SECRET TO HAPPINESS
THE ACTIVITY OF HAPPINESS

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