Tag Archives: past

LIVING IN A TIME WARP

I recently learned that one of my friends has suffered a stroke. As a result, he has lost much of his memory. He remembers only a few people and has a lot of trouble remembering places and events.

As I spoke with him over the weekend, I noticed that he was unable to keep track of the topics we were discussing. He repeated some of the same facts and anecdotes several times, not realizing that he had already mentioned them.

One of the most striking things about our conversation, however, was that his frame of reference seemed to be stuck somewhere in the 1990s. He discussed friends that we shared in the past, not realizing that the friendships and events he remembered had occurred more than 20 years ago. As his cognitive reference to the distant past (and his difficulty in retaining newer memories) became more apparent, I started to see him as someone living in a time warp.

A time warp is formally defined as a “hypothetical discontinuity or distortion occurring in the flow of time that would move events from one time period to another, or suspend the passage of time.” However, it commonly refers to any distortion of space-time, or even time standing still. This seems to apply to my friend.

Looking at it from the standpoint of time travel, it’s certainly a longstanding fantasy for sci-fi fans. But does a time warp only lend itself to the makings of great science fiction? One could argue that living in a time warp is a common earthly occurrence.

How so?

I think we suffer a similar impairment when refuse to let go of the past. We become stuck in a personal time warp, the same as my friend. Holding on to pain and resentments keeps an unbalanced focus on a past occurrence, which prevents us from accepting newer more relevant facts.

As we go about the business of living, we are presented with opportunities for new lessons daily. But as long as we remain stuck in a past reality, we are unable to add the new facts to our life story. It’s like reading a book and getting stuck somewhere in the middle. Instead of effortlessly reading from beginning to end, we interrupt the developing plot, preferring to read the same gut-wrenching chapter over and over again.

If you are holding on to pain and resentment, it may be helpful to consider that letting go will allow you to move along the plot of your personal story. Instead of being stuck in the time warp of an unpleasant chapter, letting go will allow you to finally turn the page.

Time travel may seem exciting to the imagination, but if you think about most movies in which the main character is stuck in a time warp, there is usually a great effort for them to return to the present. In other words, being stuck there is an undesirable state.

Unlike books and movies, we don’t need to repair a time craft in order to return to the present. Personal time warps are a matter of realizing that time has moved on, while we haven’t – and then doing the work required to let go of the thoughts and memories that are keeping us stuck in the past.

My friend realizes his impairment, and he is thankful whenever he remembers something new. As he works to recover the memories that will bring him into the present, we should be enlightened to the fact that our ability to reside in the present is truly a gift. Unlike my friend, we don’t have to be stuck if we don’t wish to be.

At the end of our lives, I don’t think any of us will wish that we would have spent more time being angry, sad, or bitter. Grudges and resentment will not have any meaning in the grand scheme of things, so why hold on to them?

Time warps are fictional plot devices that defy the laws of physics. I think we should leave them as such because life is too precious to squander the present.

Are you holding on to something from the past? Is it keeping you from being able to turn the page?

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MILESTONES

[Image via Flickr, artist: cdw9]

My, how time flies.

Exactly 365 days ago, I wrote the first entry of this blog. I didn’t have a clear purpose. All I knew was that I needed to write.

At the time, I was working my way through a painful divorce. With so much going on, I was lost in a sea of thoughts. I was overwhelmed by thoughts of everything that had happened, questions about what will happen, and the stress of managing the day-to-day tasks that had become the new reality of my life (i.e., moving, legal proceedings, dwindling finances, health issues, etc.). This blog was a cathartic effort to organize that jumble of thoughts.

Picking up the pieces after such a large upheaval is never easy. However, KNOWING the way I was handling things wasn’t working created an intuitive need for me to challenge my own thinking. I knew that I wanted things to be different and the only way to accomplish that was to take a deep look inside of myself.

Looking back on what I have written over the past year, I see a distinct pattern of taking small slices of my life, contemplating it, and then mastering it enough to organize and write about it. I started by exploring my beliefs about happiness. Actually, I think all of my writing is about happiness because I see happiness the axle of a wheel, and every other topic as a spoke.

“Mistakes are the portals of discovery.” ~James Joyce~

I have learned not stare at the past because staring at it will suck you in, and wallowing in it simply isn’t useful. However, taking a well-distanced glimpse is good in order to examine detrimental patterns.

I believe that who we are is the collective result of who we’ve been. When I took glimpses into my past, I saw one very large gaping hole. Contrary to what you may be expecting me say, that hole had nothing to do with love, divorce, finances, health or any other circumstance. The hole was my ability to curate joy and happiness.

Though I was enjoying enriching the lives of everyone around me, I had traded in my own life and was experiencing life through others. I was making happiness deposits into everyone else’s accounts, and not making ANY true deposits into my own. Once the new reality of my life began, I found that my account was empty.

Paradoxically, I embarked on a quest to change my past; not the past that has passed, but the elements of my “future past.” In other words, I decided that I didn’t want to repeat in the future the same experience of looking back on a past that lacks happiness – and if I truly wanted better future memories, I needed to start making deposits.

As a result, I have learned to focus on the things that truly enrich my life by doing more of what I enjoy. I eat better, exercise more, and spend more of my time around positive people. I purposely seek new experiences as a way to stay sufficiently challenged. However, one of the biggest changes in my life is that I have learned to acknowledge my accomplishments and celebrate milestones . . . such as this one – the one year anniversary of my blog.

For those of you who have been reading since the beginning, I am grateful for your continued interest and support. And for those of you who are new, I’m glad you found my small spot on the web, and I welcome you. Thanks to everyone for reading, contributing, and sharing my links.

Since we don’t have a real cake to share, we will have to raise our forks in spirit only:

Here’s to another successful year of change!

Related article: THE SECRET TO HAPPINESS

SHIFTING GEARS

Shift into the Present

Bad days suck. They come out of nowhere, and stick to you like double-sided tape – securely attached to you, and doubly attractive to the consequences of Murphy’s Law. Bad days have also been known to somehow affect the space-time continuum to where every real minute is consciously experienced as two. It’s the type of day where you swear that when you look up, you can see an actual black cloud overhead which has chosen to devote it’s time to you.

These types of days are usually triggered by a disappointment or bad event, and then go downhill from there. And the worst thing about having a bad day is that it is most likely a self-created situation.

Self-created? Yes, self-created.

It is a fact that bad things happen. Bad occurrences happen unexpectedly, yet they are normal (no one escapes them). However, our attitudes and reactions to these occurrences are what CREATE a bad day. Specifically, not allowing a bad moment to fade into the past is what perpetuates a bad day.

Bad occurrences are emotion-generating events. We appraise the situations that occur, and based on whether we believe them to be good or bad, an emotion arises. This is somewhat unconscious and automatic. Once we experience a negative emotion, our nervous systems are triggered so that we can initiate some type of coping behavior to solve the problem that has been presented. This is a very normal stress response, which is designed to be short-lived.

However, the problem arises when we don’t shift gears, and the emotion evolves into a MOOD (a more prolonged general state). There has been much research on the effects of emotion and mood on our ability to reason. Negative emotions exert a powerful influence over both perception and information-processing – what we think about, the decisions we make, as well as our creativity.

Have you ever been so angry that you can’t think straight? There is actually a biological reason for this. Without going into neuroscience, the short explanation is that the emotional and rational parts of our brain don’t work well together. The longer we stay in a negative mood, the less we are able to have good perceptions and judgments.

Perhaps this is the reason everything SEEMS to be bad when we are having a bad day. More than likely, the same occurrences on a good day would not be perceived as bad. We’d simply accept them as minor yet unlinked occurrences, versus catastrophe or as a string of bad luck. A good mood facilitates flexibility and creative problem-solving, allowing us to simply solve the problem and move on.

Learning to shift gears is directly related to the concept of emotional resilience; the ability to bounce back emotionally after suffering through difficult and stressful times. The word “resilient” itself refers to the ability to “spring back” into shape after being deformed. So think about this for a moment: If we prolong a bad moment, then we continue to dwell in the “deformed shape” created by that moment.

When bad things happen, they are only meant to affect us momentarily. Resilience allows us to experience stress, deal with it, and then move past it. Ultimately, the more times we practice resilience, the stronger we become at dealing with unpleasurable and stressful situations, and the more easily we are able to bounce back to a normal emotional state.

What helps me most in these situations is to always be mindful of the present. I try not to allow a bad moment to evolve into a bad day. I experience the emotions that naturally arise from a bad event, but I am very conscious of confining it to a small space in time, and then relinquishing it to the past. Once given the official status of “past,” I remain grounded in the present, which means not ruminating over what is now considered as the past.

The ability to shift gears is an integral part of managing overall happiness. Why? The reason is simple; because it minimizes suffering (unhappiness). In other words, bad occurrences don’t have to become prolonged anguish.

Not only does learning to shift gears promote resilience and happiness, but it also instills within in us a sense of mastery and control. The more we do it, the more competent we feel in our ability to do it, and it ultimately it prepares us to weather progressively stronger difficulties.

“Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found.” ~Pema Chodron~

Growth does not occur in an environment of ease. Bad occurrences should be expected as a normal part of life, as well as an occasion to rise to a challenge.

If you accept the common metaphor that life is a journey, then perhaps you can see that learning to shift gears is simply a way of managing the traffic and detours that you will inevitably experience along the way. You shouldn’t end your trip due to a detour. Instead, learn to shift gears, point your compass toward the present, and embrace the opportunity to become a better driver.

How do you manage your bad days? Is it easy to shift gears, or do you find yourself getting stuck in them?

You may also enjoy: THE PRESENT MOMENT

THE PRESENT MOMENT

[Image via aslis.com]

During a recent conversation with a friend, I was sharing some of my future plans. I have a habit of “thinking out loud” while my mind is in the process of working something through, and it wasn’t long before I was focusing on the challenges more so than the actual goals. My friend finally interrupted, stating that I was stressing myself by worrying about the future. I denied that I was worrying, and he firmly responded, “Yes, you are.” He then reminded me of the following quote:

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” Siddhārtha Gautama (Buddha)

Of course, I am very familiar with this quote; my friend was reminding me to focus on living “in the present.” But I never really accepted this as something realistic for my own life because I am an extremely goal-oriented person. If left to my own devices, I would create a flow chart and spreadsheet for every aspect of my life, with my focus always being in the future — so, present-mindedness was not an easy concept for me to grasp.

I read and study a lot. But, as I stated in an earlier entry, Celebrate Independence, I really don’t accept anything as true without discerning for myself whether it actually makes sense. So, when my friend mentioned the concept of present-mindedness, I realized that he was the THIRD person to bring this to my attention. So, I started thinking about what it actually means to “be in the present.”

What does it mean?

On the surface, it means being mindful of the present moment – not ruminating over the past, nor worrying about the future. It means enjoying life as it exists in this moment, and not as we wish it could, should, or would be. Okay, I understood this, especially about not focusing on the past; you cannot change what has already happened. But considering the fable, “The Ant and the Grasshopper,” I am definitely an ant, and ants are always working for the future.

It wasn’t until several days later when I was discussing training for a mountain trek, that I had an “A-ha moment” which crystallized my understanding of present-mindedness. I was explaining that I really wanted to get serious about doing longer local hikes to prepare myself for climbing. Someone raised the concern that many people don’t complete the climb due to altitude sickness, and they would hate to go so far only to FAIL in the end.

I responded that I really didn’t look at it that way, and whether or not I reached the summit, I would enjoy the climb itself, being able to experience nature of a new environment, enjoy the challenge, and learn more about myself (insert “A-ha moment” here). I had unintentionally explained what it means to be in the present.

Yes, the goal is to reach the top. However, if our only concern is to reach the top (future event), and we focus only on the obstacles that may or may not be present, we create a sense of anxiety regarding our ability to reach it. Similarly, if we ruminate over an incident that occurred prior to starting the ascent (past event), then we create a degree of distraction from the present activity of the actual climb.

I enjoy hiking. I never go on a hike with only the end in mind. I enjoy taking in the entire experience of it – nature, wildlife, openness of the outdoors, novelty, etc. I don’t really focus on reaching the end of the trail, nor do I focus on anything that happened prior to arriving at the trail. I’m simply excited about being ON the trail.

Enjoying the climb/trail represents the concept of present-mindedness. If we are past or future thinking, it means we are ALWAYS somewhere else, not able to enjoy the present moments of life. We are either stuck in the past, or worrying about the future. Past/future thinking also means that happiness is connected with a time OTHER THAN the present; it is either controlled by the past (I could have been happy IF . . .), or is pushed to some future time (once I finish school, retire, etc.).

Does this means that we should not plan or have goals? Of course, it doesn’t. Being “goal-oriented” is not necessarily synonymous with being “future-minded.” While we are taking steps to attain a goal, it is important to intentionally give attention to what is happening in the present moment. It means being aware of every moment AS WE EXPERIENCE IT, accepting what is happening today as being most important, not what may or may not happen in the future.

Why is this important?

The past, present and future are all connected through present moments. The past was at one time a present moment, and our future will become a present moment at some point. Hence, life consists of living in a series of present moments. Though we should acknowledge the past and future, we cannot dwell in either; the past has passed, and the future has not yet occurred.

I find it enlightening to contemplate the idea that our control over the past and future lies within the present. The present moment is where all of our decisions are made, so it is important to always be present-minded. During the activity of life, we are creating present moments that will ultimately influence the future. Additionally, the present moment will essentially become the past; therefore the control of our “future past” is also in the present moment.

My conclusion . . .

Living in the present means accepting life as it is NOW and, most importantly, it is about not letting our lives go by without truly living it. Happiness occurs in the present, which will become the happy past, and will essentially affect our future happiness.

Regarding goals, it means looking back on the effort and being able to say, “Wow, I really enjoyed that!”

And regarding life, living in the present pertains to the ongoing events of living. In other words, in contemplating the journey of living, it is knowing this: “It is better to travel well than to arrive.” Siddhārtha Gautama (Buddha)

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