Tag Archives: positive thinking

I OBJECT! (Building a Case Against “I Can’t”)

“If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable,
you disconnect yourself from what you truly want,
and all that is left is a compromise.”
~Robert Fritz~

I can’t think of anything more self-limiting than the words, “I can’t.” When we utter these words, it means we’ve surrendered to a limitation, and our world of experiences immediately becomes smaller. And to make matters worse, the limitation placed upon us is self-imposed.

The truth is that “can’t” usually means “won’t.” Why? Because regardless of the obstacles, people will pave a way for the things they truly want to do. So, when a person says, “I can’t,” what they are really saying is that they don’t wish to put forth the effort and, therefore, won’t.

Limiting ourselves in this way is detrimental to our psyches. We begin to internalize this response, and pretty soon our minds become habituated to it and will accept these limitations as an expected way to deal with future opportunities and problems. In other words, we set ourselves up for lives of compromise and underachievement.

Therefore, I am presenting a case against using the words, “I can’t,” and I would like to present the following concepts as “evidence” in support of my case:

EXHIBIT 1: Logic

When we use the word, “can’t,” we present ourselves with the challenge of proving that a 100% impossibility exists.

The word “can’t” only applies to complete impossibilities – such as a paralyzed person not being able to walk. But even in that case, alternatives may exist. However, if ANY possibility exists, then logically, we can’t use the word, “can’t.”

When we apply this logic, it will become apparent that many more things CAN be done than we think. In fact, most things can be done, given the right conditions.

EXHIBIT 2: Metaphysics

“Thanks to impermanence, everything is possible.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh~

In “The Key to Emotional Health”, I discussed the concept of impermanence. Impermanence refers to the transient nature of the world – nothing is fixed or permanent. By the very nature of impermanence, our circumstances are always changing. This means that we live in a world of ever-unfolding potential, and therefore possibilities always exist.

Just because the right conditions don’t exist at the moment, it does not mean that the proper conditions will never exist. Additionally, within us is the ability to work and create the proper conditions. Therefore, we can acknowledge that potential always exists, and instead of “I can’t,” we can tell ourselves, “I can, but not at this moment.”

EXHIBIT 3: Neuroscience

Neuroplasticity refers to the brain’s ability to change structurally and functionally as a result of input from the environment. This means our brains are reactive to the ways we channel our attention. For example, If we regularly channel our attention to reading, math, or playing piano, the neural areas of the brain associated with those activities become more developed and accessible, and we are more able to develop an expertise.

The same holds true for the type of thinking we do. If we are positive thinkers, then our brains become “wired” for positive thoughts and solutions. However, if we focus on negativity and limitations, then we tend to always think in negative and limiting ways.

The human brain is designed for problem-solving, which is defined as the effort to overcome obstacles obstructing the path to a solution. And as you can probably guess, the more we solve problems, the more adept we become at solving future problems. Additionally, when we search for new ways around a problem, we often tap into our ability to think creatively.

The moment we say, “I can’t,” we close the door on our thinking. Essentially, we give ourselves permission to cop-out on a challenge. But the truth is that all possibilities exist within our thinking. In this context, “can’t” exists due to two common things: an unwillingness to search for a solution, and because we’ve trained the mind to limit itself.

EXHIBIT 4: Positive Psychology

A primary focus of Positive Psychology is to find and nurture our strengths and talents, and discover ways to make normal life more fulfilling. According to positive psychologists, our ability to experience happiness is directly linked to our ability to be optimistic. Optimism is the tendency to take a hopeful view about the future, or to have confidence in the successful outcome of an endeavor.

Learned helplessness, on the other hand, occurs when one believes that they have no control over what occurs, and that something external from themselves dictates their ability to succeed or accomplish a task.

Self-limiting thoughts are counterproductive to cultivating optimism. When we say, “I can’t,” we are accepting the idea that we don’t have control over our ability to accomplish something – which is not very optimistic. “I can’t” perpetuates an inner dialogue that short-circuits our goal-directed thinking because we start to believe that we don’t have the capacity (helplessness) to find a route to our desired goals.

A PROPOSED SOLUTION: Learn to overcome personal objections

“Refuse to accept the many reasons why it can’t be done and ask if there are any reasons it can be done.” ~Hanoch McCarty~

Whenever we have a feeling that we can’t do something, we should pause before we actually say it. We should think about the circumstances that would make the endeavor possible, and then be honest about whether we WANT to put forth the effort to do it. It’s really a matter of overcoming our own objections. Instead of filing our hesitation under the category of “I can’t,” we should uncover the true issue.

For instance, if we wish to travel the world, it’s not really rocket science. We simply must create the proper conditions. World travel requires money, travel documents, and time. Whether we are willing to create these conditions is really a matter of “will” or “won’t,” not “can’t.” We will accumulate the money, apply for the appropriate travel documents, and schedule a time to go – or we won’t.

To uncover the real reasons behind our objections, we can challenge our limiting thoughts through dialogue. An internal dialogue will sound something like this (simplified version):

“I wish I could travel around the world, but I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t have a passport.”
“What does it take to get a passport?”
“I’m not sure – I guess I could google it.”
“Hmm . . . it seems relatively easy. But I don’t really have the money to travel.”
“Can I get the money?”
“Yes, I could save for a year. But, that means I’ll have to make some sacrifices.”
“Am I willing to sacrifice my current spending to save for a trip?”
Yes/No

Even if the answer ends up being “no” in the end, at least we will have explored the possibilities that exist. This allows us to see that we actually CAN accomplish this goal if we’re willing to put forth the effort to create the proper conditions.

This type of dialogue can reveal a lot about who we really are. Maybe we will learn something new about our authentic selves, and it is possible to uncover a few hidden fears.

CONCLUSION: Become empowered with “I CAN”

“Can’t” implies a limitation that has been imposed upon us – which is disempowering. Therefore, by eliminating the word “can’t,” we are actually embracing the power to DECIDE what we truly wish to do. Whether we “will” or “won’t” means that we’ve made an empowered choice, versus reacting to an imposed prohibition.

Henry Ford was right: Whether you think you can or think you can’t – you are right. When we tell ourselves “I can’t,” it ensures that we will not even attempt – which guarantees the utterance of “I can’t” to become a self-fulfilled prophecy.

Therefore, we should eliminate the limited thinking of “I can’t” so that we can get out of our own way. Once we remove our largest obstacle, we open ourselves to the freedom of unlimited experiences and infinite possibilities.

And now . . . I rest my case.

How often do you find yourself saying, “I can’t?” What do you think your life would be like if you eliminated self-limiting thinking?”

WHAT CONTAGION ARE YOU SPREADING?

To keep from spreading diseases, we’ve been taught to cover our mouths when sneezing, wash our hands often, and to take precautions while in the presence of people who are ill. These actions are instrumental in lowering the risk of bodily infection from communicable illnesses.

However, many of us are exposed to something for which we are unaware. We are at risk of being infected by it on a daily basis, yet we very seldom notice its prevalence.
As you’ve probably guessed, I am not referring to a bacterium or virus – though its degree of contagion is just as virulent. I am talking about the mental and emotional contagion that occurs from negative thoughts and attitudes.

In the same way that being around positive people tends to bring out the positivity within us, negative thoughts and attitudes tend to spread negativity. Not only does this negativity spread to others, but it perpetuates negativity within us.

Self-Contagion

One thing we all should realize is that thoughts are very powerful. We can condition our minds to a standard of living based on the repetitive nature of our thoughts. If we think something often enough, our minds begin to accept it as a standard, and will fall back on whatever standard we’ve set when it comes to our perceptions of the world and problem-solving.

One way this occurs is through altered expectations. Expectancy is the belief that a certain effort will result in a certain outcome. This expectation determines our outlook and degree of effort for a given activity. If we believe that our effort will provide a positive outcome, we will work harder and more positively toward it. But if we expect that our efforts will have little to no effect, then we won’t feel so positive about extending an effort.

Expectancy is shaped by our perceptions. So, if we experience an undesirable outcome, and perceive it as something negative, then we increase the probability for making a negative association between the effort and outcome within our minds. Once we make this association, it can condition our minds to expect negative future outcomes. Therefore, if we allow ourselves to develop negative thoughts regarding failures and disappointments, we will reinforce negative expectations.

Thoughts also tend to become self-fulfilling. For example, if we have the thought, “nothing good ever happens to me,” then nothing good ever will. Why? Because even if something good happens in reality, we won’t be able to truly value its significance because we’ve programmed our thinking to expect and accept negative things as a standard. When we have a negative standard, we tend to diminish the good, and amplify the bad. In other words, whatever the mind expects, it finds.

Another consequence of negative thoughts is that they can extend the effects of current situations beyond the present, causing us to envision a pessimistic future – which predisposes us to depression. According to Martin Seligman, the founder of Positive Psychology and author of Learned Optimism, “The projection of present despair into the future causes hopelessness.” So, essentially, we infect our future.

In addition to depression, negative thoughts can also trigger unnecessary anxiety and stress which, if prolonged, can wreak havoc on our bodies. So, not only do negative thoughts infect us mentally, they can infect us physically as well.

Negative thinking can also create a closed mind. When we become stuck in the loop of self-perpetuating negativity, it is hard to break this pattern, so new perspectives and opportunities are often ignored.

Environmental Contagion

As we understand the concept of interconnectedness, we realize that none of us exist in a vacuum. Therefore, all of us affect our environments, especially the people around us. We must be aware that positive and negative thinking are both contagious, and we infect the people around us whether we intend to or not.

Negative thoughts foster a negative attitude, which can infect the environment of others. In the article, Fertile Soil, I discussed the role our relationships play within our growth environment. In general, for flourishing, I suggested that negative people (weeds) should be avoided if we find that they are affecting our growth. An important question is: Do you wish to be a weed within the environment of others?

While negative attitudes repel, positive attitudes attract. Positive thoughts foster an outwardly positive attitude, which is obviously attractive to others. Not only is it attractive to people, positive thinking makes us more receptive to our environments, creating positive interactions which attract opportunities. Additionally, a positive mindset is more able than a negative mindset to recognize and accept growth opportunities when they present themselves.

A positive mind focuses on thoughts that are conductive to growth. It breeds an optimistic attitude that anticipates favorable results and expects general positivity. There is no doubt that people with positive attitudes are more pleasant to be around, and it is very common to observe the effects of their positivity on others.

As I mentioned above, we infect others whether we intend to do so. And in the same way that we infect our environments, we infect ourselves. Positively or negatively, our thoughts influence our attitudes, and are therefore the source of our infectious behavior.

Negative thoughts breed negativity, and positive thoughts breed positivity. The power lies with in our own thinking, so it really boils down to one important thing: deciding which contagion we wish to incubate.

“Attitudes are contagious. Are yours worth catching?”
~Dennis and Wendy Mannering~

Have you ever experienced contagious negativity? Was it your own thinking, or the negative thinking of others?

*Image: James Thew

WHEN I SAY NO, I ACTUALLY MEAN YES

The more I learn about the human mind, the more fascinated I become – and the more I come to understand the connection between thoughts and feelings, the more I tinker with my own thinking. I guess you could say that I am my own test subject.

Albert Ellis, a pioneer of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), and creator of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (a form of CBT) coauthored the groundbreaking classic, A Guide to Rational Living. In this book, he explains that the key to living healthier happier lives lies within our thinking. He asserts, “Human feeling largely stems from thinking,” and ” . . . when people change their beliefs or philosophy about something, their emotions and their behaviors also significantly change.” Numerous research studies have supported this theory.

Thoughts —> Feelings —> Outlook

Thoughts have the power to color our reality. In general, negative thoughts give rise to negative feelings, and positive thoughts beget positive feelings. Thoughts conjure feelings and, in turn, those feelings, positive or negative, can affect our frame of mind. In thinking more about this, I considered the everyday activity of decision-making, and that we regularly face situations where we are required to make a decision, state a preference, or express agreement/disagreement.

Two of the most powerful words in the English language are YES and NO. They can either create barriers or open doors, and many times these words can evoke positive or negative emotions within us. Regardless of the question being asked, YES feels positive (because it affirms), and NO feels negative (because it negates). Even if we are very comfortable saying NO, it still can create a sense of interruption in the flow of positivity – internally, as well as between ourselves and others.

When our minds sense something negative, internal negative feelings can manifest in a change in body language and conversation, and for those who are not comfortable asserting themselves, having to say NO can actually create a sense of anxiety. Perhaps they feel bad about disappointing others, or fear that they may come across as disagreeable. For this situation, I think it would be helpful to consider reframing their understanding of what it actually means to say NO.

Authenticity

Authenticity is a philosophical term which refers to the ability to be true to oneself. It means being true to our desires, beliefs, values, and standards, without wavering in the face of external pressure. It means:

  • Committing to our goals
  • Asserting our needs
  • Acting on our convictions
  • Keeping the promises we’ve made to ourselves
With this understanding, consider this: Any time we face a decision, it is a test of our authenticity.

Always Affirming

Q: When does NO mean YES?
A: Always

In my previous posts, Changing the Frame and The Secret to Happiness, I explained the concept of reframing – the process of placing a situation in a more positive frame. In light of reframing, I think it becomes easier to say NO once we realize that we are in essence saying YES.

Each time we say NO, we are saying YES to something very important – to our convictions, needs, values, and standards. Saying NO is about acknowledging our core truths and always saying YES to them. The word YES is affirming, which generates positive feelings. Therefore, reframing our decisions to where we are always thinking YES grounds us in a frame of always affirming, which is something for which we can feel positive.

How does this work in real life?

  • Each time we say NO to negative relationships, we are saying YES to our desire for positivity and peace.
  • Each time a student says NO to going out drinking with friends, choosing to study instead, they are saying YES to an activity that supports their academic goals.
  • Each time a young adult says NO to a career suggestion for which they have no interest, they are acknowledging and saying YES to their own interests and need for fulfillment.
  • Each time we say NO to unhealthy food choices, we are saying YES to a commitment to care for ourselves.
It is my belief that focusing on the underlying AFFIRMATIONS that exist in the word NO can help us to feel more positive about the decisions we make.

Don Your Cape

As I mentioned above, the words YES and NO wield a lot of power. This power, if used properly, transforms us into protectors of our own truths. Reframing our thinking to where we are always saying YES, even when we say NO, is simply another way for our inner superheroes to use their powers for good.

“This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”
~Shakespeare, Hamlet Act 1, scene 3, 82–84~

Image: Andy Welsh

Do you have a hard time saying NO? Do you normally consider your core values and beliefs when making decisions?

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THE SECRET TO HAPPINESS

Happiness seems to be one of those things that eludes many. When asked what it means, many of us have a difficult time finding words to adequately define it. Perhaps the reason for this is that happiness is not a single feeling; I think it is more of an overall outlook on life.

In the book, The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living, Howard C. Cutler, M.D., psychiatrist and co-author, states, ” . . . happiness is determined more by one’s state of mind than by external events.” This means that happiness comes from within, not from circumstances, nor is it something found like a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. It is something that we can meditate upon and decide to accept.

I think the most important thing to consider, and probably a prerequisite to experiencing happiness, is that we can choose not to be unhappy. Even in bad situations, we can refuse to become unhappy about it. Having a happy state of mind does not mean that we won’t have, or should ignore, feelings of loss, frustration or disappointment. But choosing to maintain a positive outlook can help us to view negative occurrences within the proper perspective, not allowing the resulting emotions to become an all-encompassing feeling of discontent.

This puts a lot of control in our hands. It means taking responsibility for our own states of mind, as well as enjoying the freedom to choose how we will live. We can’t always choose the situations that occur within our lives, but we certainly have full control over the way we react to them.

Consider this passage, written by Viktor Frankl in Man’s Search for Meaning:

“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Being that they’re surrounded by suffering and death, separated from loved ones, and facing the prospect of their own demise, one would expect the prisoners to have feelings of apathy or despair. Instead, this passage illustrates that even in the midst of the most horrendous circumstance, there is still a choice of how to react to it. Therefore, when it comes to happiness, the onus is on us; and when it comes to UNhappiness, the onus is on us.

Perhaps, the best example I can provide is one from my own life. In my previous post, Changing the Frame, I discussed how I reframed the situation regarding my divorce, which resulted in a shift in my overall outlook. As long as I continued to focus on what I felt was being “taken away” (negative frame), I remained in a holding pattern of sadness and regret. However, once I began to realize the opportunities that are now available to me as a result of this situation, I started to see more of what I was “gaining” (positive frame). My outlook changed because I CHOSE to focus on opportunity instead of loss.

Summarized, this was my experience:

DIVORCE = LOSS (negative frame)
negative reaction —> negative thoughts —> negative feelings —> negative outlook —> depression

DIVORCE = NEW OPPORTUNITIES (positive frame)
positive reaction —> positive thoughts —> positive feelings —> positive outlook —> happiness

I refuse to be unhappy; this has become a daily affirmation for me. I believe that happiness is a state of being that is chosen, not a feeling or a prize that will be awarded at some undetermined date. I think it is something that we choose to BE in the here and now. So, if you ask me, I think the secret to happiness is simply . . . choosing to be happy.

Happiness is a choice

[Image via H34]

This entry is first of a 3 part series. Read parts 2 and 3:
PRESCRIPTION FOR UNHAPPINESS
THE ACTIVITY OF HAPPINESS

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