Tag Archives: reframing

WHEN I SAY NO, I ACTUALLY MEAN YES

The more I learn about the human mind, the more fascinated I become – and the more I come to understand the connection between thoughts and feelings, the more I tinker with my own thinking. I guess you could say that I am my own test subject.

Albert Ellis, a pioneer of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), and creator of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (a form of CBT) coauthored the groundbreaking classic, A Guide to Rational Living. In this book, he explains that the key to living healthier happier lives lies within our thinking. He asserts, “Human feeling largely stems from thinking,” and ” . . . when people change their beliefs or philosophy about something, their emotions and their behaviors also significantly change.” Numerous research studies have supported this theory.

Thoughts —> Feelings —> Outlook

Thoughts have the power to color our reality. In general, negative thoughts give rise to negative feelings, and positive thoughts beget positive feelings. Thoughts conjure feelings and, in turn, those feelings, positive or negative, can affect our frame of mind. In thinking more about this, I considered the everyday activity of decision-making, and that we regularly face situations where we are required to make a decision, state a preference, or express agreement/disagreement.

Two of the most powerful words in the English language are YES and NO. They can either create barriers or open doors, and many times these words can evoke positive or negative emotions within us. Regardless of the question being asked, YES feels positive (because it affirms), and NO feels negative (because it negates). Even if we are very comfortable saying NO, it still can create a sense of interruption in the flow of positivity – internally, as well as between ourselves and others.

When our minds sense something negative, internal negative feelings can manifest in a change in body language and conversation, and for those who are not comfortable asserting themselves, having to say NO can actually create a sense of anxiety. Perhaps they feel bad about disappointing others, or fear that they may come across as disagreeable. For this situation, I think it would be helpful to consider reframing their understanding of what it actually means to say NO.

Authenticity

Authenticity is a philosophical term which refers to the ability to be true to oneself. It means being true to our desires, beliefs, values, and standards, without wavering in the face of external pressure. It means:

  • Committing to our goals
  • Asserting our needs
  • Acting on our convictions
  • Keeping the promises we’ve made to ourselves
With this understanding, consider this: Any time we face a decision, it is a test of our authenticity.

Always Affirming

Q: When does NO mean YES?
A: Always

In my previous posts, Changing the Frame and The Secret to Happiness, I explained the concept of reframing – the process of placing a situation in a more positive frame. In light of reframing, I think it becomes easier to say NO once we realize that we are in essence saying YES.

Each time we say NO, we are saying YES to something very important – to our convictions, needs, values, and standards. Saying NO is about acknowledging our core truths and always saying YES to them. The word YES is affirming, which generates positive feelings. Therefore, reframing our decisions to where we are always thinking YES grounds us in a frame of always affirming, which is something for which we can feel positive.

How does this work in real life?

  • Each time we say NO to negative relationships, we are saying YES to our desire for positivity and peace.
  • Each time a student says NO to going out drinking with friends, choosing to study instead, they are saying YES to an activity that supports their academic goals.
  • Each time a young adult says NO to a career suggestion for which they have no interest, they are acknowledging and saying YES to their own interests and need for fulfillment.
  • Each time we say NO to unhealthy food choices, we are saying YES to a commitment to care for ourselves.
It is my belief that focusing on the underlying AFFIRMATIONS that exist in the word NO can help us to feel more positive about the decisions we make.

Don Your Cape

As I mentioned above, the words YES and NO wield a lot of power. This power, if used properly, transforms us into protectors of our own truths. Reframing our thinking to where we are always saying YES, even when we say NO, is simply another way for our inner superheroes to use their powers for good.

“This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”
~Shakespeare, Hamlet Act 1, scene 3, 82–84~

Image: Andy Welsh

Do you have a hard time saying NO? Do you normally consider your core values and beliefs when making decisions?

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ROADBLOCKS: 5 Ways to Deal With Them

Plans, goals and objectives – those are the words that come to mind when thinking about the activity of planning: mapping a route to a predetermined destination. Usually, we specify a goal, and then list the specific tasks needed to carry it out. We follow the plan step by step, ticking off each task until we finally reach our goal. But what happens when you reach an obstacle that has the potential to derail the entire trip?

We all experience roadblocks in our lives. Even with the best laid plans, you can’t always divine a roadblock that lies ahead. Although you can plan for contingencies, you can’t anticipate them all due to an infinite set of variables that come into play when attempting to accomplish a goal. We have to accept that some roadblocks cannot be accounted for on paper; sometimes it is in the act of DOING that you actually come upon them.

We, as humans, are very resilient, and are endowed with problem-solving abilities that are unique to our species, which includes the ability to consider alternative courses of action. How well we handle roadblocks will determine to what extent we are able to evolve. Those who master this ability will go on to accomplish great things. And those who don’t will stagnate.

How can we strengthen our ability to handle roadblocks? There are 5 things that have helped (and continue to help) me to stay on track when presented with a roadblock:

  1. Reframe the situation. As mentioned in a previous entry, Changing the Frame, you can change your mind-set by changing the way you view the situation; strive to see the roadblock from another point of view. Instead of seeing it as a blocked roadway (negative), you could think of it as an opportunity to discover a new route (positive).

  2. Recognize opportunity. A “ROAD CLOSED“ sign is usually accompanied by a “DETOUR” sign, which is not the same as a “STOP” sign. It simply means that you must take an alternate route. You may find that you have to think harder, become more creative, or take more time to reach your destination. However, our brains are designed to work in a “use-it-or-lose-it” fashion, so embrace the opportunity to use it! New opportunities lead to growth, and growth leads to strength and resilience.

  3. Don’t be afraid to ask for directions. In the same way that you would consult your GPS system, seek to engage others. Sometimes when we are hyper-focused on a goal, we develop myopic thinking, which can hamper our ability to see the big picture. Opening yourself to suggestions from others can help to expand your options. It is especially helpful to consult people outside of your normal social circle because if you limit your conversations to people who share the same perspective as you, you may not receive any ideas that differ from your own.

  4. Be flexible. Don’t lose sight of your objective, which is simply to accomplish your goal. It really doesn’t matter which road gets you there, so don’t confine yourself by becoming emotionally attached to the initially planned route. If you reach a bend in the road, then go with it. If you reach a hindrance, plan to go around it. Never rule out any option without contemplating its merit. Rigidity leads to stress. Instead, think about words such as fluidity and flow.

  5. Remain optimistic. Remember there is always more than one route to any given destination, with one route not necessarily being better than another. Have the resolve that you WILL accomplish your goal, and embrace the growth-promoting challenges that will inevitably accompany you along the way.

When encountering roadblocks, as with life in general, there is not an ultimate BEST or ONLY route; there is only the route that you ultimately choose to take . . . which actually ends up being the best, because it got you to where you needed to go. Lastly, consider that a detour can intrinsically make the trip (and goal) more rewarding. I can’t think of a better way to express this than with the words of Robert Frost:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

(Excerpt from The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost)

When was the last time you faced a true roadblock in your life? How did you overcome it? Or . . . did you become derailed?

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THE SECRET TO HAPPINESS

Happiness seems to be one of those things that eludes many. When asked what it means, many of us have a difficult time finding words to adequately define it. Perhaps the reason for this is that happiness is not a single feeling; I think it is more of an overall outlook on life.

In the book, The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living, Howard C. Cutler, M.D., psychiatrist and co-author, states, ” . . . happiness is determined more by one’s state of mind than by external events.” This means that happiness comes from within, not from circumstances, nor is it something found like a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. It is something that we can meditate upon and decide to accept.

I think the most important thing to consider, and probably a prerequisite to experiencing happiness, is that we can choose not to be unhappy. Even in bad situations, we can refuse to become unhappy about it. Having a happy state of mind does not mean that we won’t have, or should ignore, feelings of loss, frustration or disappointment. But choosing to maintain a positive outlook can help us to view negative occurrences within the proper perspective, not allowing the resulting emotions to become an all-encompassing feeling of discontent.

This puts a lot of control in our hands. It means taking responsibility for our own states of mind, as well as enjoying the freedom to choose how we will live. We can’t always choose the situations that occur within our lives, but we certainly have full control over the way we react to them.

Consider this passage, written by Viktor Frankl in Man’s Search for Meaning:

“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Being that they’re surrounded by suffering and death, separated from loved ones, and facing the prospect of their own demise, one would expect the prisoners to have feelings of apathy or despair. Instead, this passage illustrates that even in the midst of the most horrendous circumstance, there is still a choice of how to react to it. Therefore, when it comes to happiness, the onus is on us; and when it comes to UNhappiness, the onus is on us.

Perhaps, the best example I can provide is one from my own life. In my previous post, Changing the Frame, I discussed how I reframed the situation regarding my divorce, which resulted in a shift in my overall outlook. As long as I continued to focus on what I felt was being “taken away” (negative frame), I remained in a holding pattern of sadness and regret. However, once I began to realize the opportunities that are now available to me as a result of this situation, I started to see more of what I was “gaining” (positive frame). My outlook changed because I CHOSE to focus on opportunity instead of loss.

Summarized, this was my experience:

DIVORCE = LOSS (negative frame)
negative reaction —> negative thoughts —> negative feelings —> negative outlook —> depression

DIVORCE = NEW OPPORTUNITIES (positive frame)
positive reaction —> positive thoughts —> positive feelings —> positive outlook —> happiness

I refuse to be unhappy; this has become a daily affirmation for me. I believe that happiness is a state of being that is chosen, not a feeling or a prize that will be awarded at some undetermined date. I think it is something that we choose to BE in the here and now. So, if you ask me, I think the secret to happiness is simply . . . choosing to be happy.

Happiness is a choice

[Image via H34]

This entry is first of a 3 part series. Read parts 2 and 3:
PRESCRIPTION FOR UNHAPPINESS
THE ACTIVITY OF HAPPINESS

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CHANGING THE FRAME

Loneliness?

The other day, someone asked me how I was able to move on so quickly from my divorce. I chuckled at the notion that they felt it was accomplished quickly, but I suppose when you are on the outside looking in, the passing of time seems to occur at a different pace.

There were a myriad of emotional hurdles that I had to clear in order to move past it, and from my point of view it certainly wasn’t something that had occurred quickly. In fact, I was stuck for quite a while, not moving in any direction at all.

Internally, I struggled with an extreme sense of loss. I had been a wife and mother for so long, that it was hard for me to no longer see myself in those roles; I had forgotten myself as an individual.

Given the circumstances which precipitated this unwanted event, I accepted that divorce was inevitable. Nonetheless, I was plagued with sorrow and regret for the plans that would go unrealized, and I continued to focus on what was never going to be – like pages of a book that had been erased. This was the snapshot that remained in my mind for months.

I remember a conversation I had a few months back with one of my closest friends. When I told her about my pending divorce, she responded as any friend would, providing words of understanding and support. However, as the conversation continued, my friend went on to say how “lucky” I am to have a chance to start over. Lucky? I guess that was my “aha” moment.

It finally dawned on me how much freedom I now have, and it was then that I was able to look at my situation differently. Instead of focusing on the picture I had of pages that had been erased, I was able to see my situation more as a clean slate on which I could write or draw anything I wished. In essence, I had changed the frame of the snapshot, which allowed me to change my frame of mind.

No longer focusing on what was lost, I was now able to see the promise of a new beginning. The more I was able to focus on the newness of my life, the more positive I felt. I started making new plans for myself and eventually I stopped mourning the old plans because they no longer appealed to me.

Reframing is what helped me to view this unwanted change as an opportunity for exploration and growth. It is possible that my friend’s comments were simply coming from a feeling of the grass being greener, or perhaps it was a spiritual intervention that had been provided exactly when I needed it. Either way, I am thankful for it. Hugs to my friend for her ongoing love and support, and for helping me to change the frame.

Solitude

[Photo via Redbubble. Artist, Wendy Slee]

Have you ever used a reframing technique? How did it affect your perception of your situation?